Stepping back to a time of animosity, hurt or discord is truly not how you want to remember the last days you have. How many times have you prayed for acceptance of the things you cannot change? Until this moment, you had it. Do not let it go.”
When any relationship ends, a propensity to go over every detail of every interaction in its minutia rears its head. In it, emotions cascade from satisfaction to disappointment and from understanding to anger. To what end?
When you were together, all of these things were less important than the moment. Every once in a while you may have taken a moment or seven to think about being slighted by inconsiderate or unkind words, infidelities or massive disruption of what you believed Mate’s character comprised. You shrugged them off or pouted for weeks. Either way, the feelings subsided.
When Mate was doing something inordinately thoughtful for you, your sheepish smile hide a mountain of guilt for some egregious sin against your relationship you had committed. Rather than sully the beautiful or romantic moment, you tucked that feeling away firm in your belief you would come clean and ask to be forgiven. That moment never came.
When absent to answer for crimes you are convinced Mate committed, the frustration is phenomenal. You want to scream at Mate for this injustice or some other and demand an explanation to your satisfaction. You want Mate to beg for forgiveness and agree to months of penance. Better still, you want Mate to suffer at a minimum as much as you did.
How do you sleep at night knowing Mate will never know your side of the story? You want to have Mate hold you close so you can confess and look with sincerity into loving eyes when you ask to be forgiven. Magnanimous Mate then waves away the hurt and the guilt, to say you are worth holding onto forever.
It is not coming. Neither you nor Mate can be forgiving of any past indiscretions or indignation. You have to stop and ask yourself, Why now?
Are you one who can quote the Serenity Prayer? Think about the line for acceptance.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
Before Mate was gone, you had it. It may not have taken the form you desire for it now. The stark reality is once Mate is gone, there is no chance you are going to change the level of serenity you have without accepting you cannot change the past.
How long did you live with it? Before today, it was a white elephant you were perfectly willing and capable to walk around in the living room or bedroom.
The reason you want to have some closure for things held closed with a bandage (or silence) now is because you regret not having done something before the chance was gone. You played the odds the perfect moment would come where you could smooth it all out, and everything would be as idyllic as it was before the cataclysm (or secret avalanche).
Haunting of past misdeeds, be they yours or Mate’s, are a reality. The only way to lay the ghosts to rest is to reassert serenity. If you feel like you cannot accomplish this without words, write them. Put the letter in your treasure box. Go to the cemetery and read them.
Either way, once you are finished, take back the serenity you always had.
Have you ever wanted different closure? Did you realize you had serenity before? What is the far better solution than going this path?
Thank you for joining me on April’s stop on the Widowed Blog Hop. Stop by to see the amazing things the others on the hop have prepared for you today. Being widowed is not the end of the world; it is the beginning of a new world.
The opening passage is a quote from Killing Us Softly. You can pick up your copy of KUS at RedmundPro today.
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