Specificity is the rule.” -Author unknown, but whose hand I would love to shake.
Common misunderstandings come from saying one thing, but meaning something totally different from what the other person understood. Humans have some annoying, correctable idiosyncrasies which prevent them from communicating with others.
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Average person will listen to four words before formulating a response.
This person will assume (herein is the monstrous, avoidable, in-a-nutshell problem) she knows the remainder of the diatribe. Frustration of the speaker comes with her inappropriate response, due wholly to not having listened to what was actually said.
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Average person has a built-in (albeit malfunctioning) universal translator.
This person will assume (Pst.) the speaker misspoke, worded it improperly or has made a miscalculation in the logical path to what she meant to say. He will translate what was said into what he would have said and respond accordingly. Much like the assumption in the first example, therein lies the issue.
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Average person has no interest in change.
This person will assume that the speaker’s complaint is best resolved by the speaker adjusting his perception rather than adjusting her actions which directly caused the complaint.
Average person is not at fault.
This person will assume (Oh, my! Do you see the pattern YET?) the speaker is fundamentally flawed. The problem could in no way be attributed to him, his actions, his inactions or his attitude.
Average person knows what he meant.
This speaker will assume (!!!), regardless of the words escaping his mouth, the listener will understand exactly what he meant to say.
You are an ass.”
In all five of these examples, the stumbling block is assumption (assume = making an “ass” of u + me). Overcoming that block is as simplistic as the quote at the beginning: Be specific.
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First, say what you mean.
Clearly, albeit best concisely, state your grievance. Then, stop to be quiet enough to listen to the response. If it is inappropriate, restate the grievance without pointing out the fault in the response. If you need a third trip through, breathe, consider your wording and attitude carefully before you speak again.
Second, listen to the words being said.
The person with which you speak may very well be articulate and able to discuss issues with you, should you give them the opportunity.
Third, do not be vague.
Point out the precise action which is causing the grievance rather than alluding to politically correct “feelings” you may have about the action. This will avoid the possibility of your perception being the issue.
Fourth, condescension is not becoming.
Do not make your observation of a person’s attitude, inaction or actions a personal attack. Clearly state this action lead to this result. This type of watertight communication will involve the listener in the self-reflection necessary to abate or correct the issue.
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Fifth, ask questions.
If you are unsure what was said was what was meant, repeat the statement in the form of a question. If the speaker cannot understand what you are saying, cash in the chip which says what she said was not what she meant.
Look both ways.
Communication is a two-way street: speaking and listening. Both parties must contribute equally for it to be successful. Issuance of blame is not vital to resolving misunderstandings. Specificity is.
Which of the five deadly communication asses plagues you the most?
Laurie
/ November 29, 2011When the listener will not admit they did not understand what was said and uses to start an argument. I do not speak in code, I do not care to decipher one.
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011The universal translator is definitely broken. Shameful, to start an argument rather than admit one did not understand. There is no shame in making sure you understood what is said before you open your pie hole to spew.
DrTheodoreHoma
/ November 30, 2011The listener deserves a civil response first.
James Parsons
/ November 29, 2011I have recently learned that open communication between both parties in a relationship is very important. #2 and #5 are the ones that effect me the most. Learned that I must listen better to what is being said to me. And instead of asking what the question was a second time I assume I already know the answer when I don’t. So now I ask. This is always a great subject to write about, keep up the good work. Nice job Red.
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011This goes all the way back to the two-ears-one-mouth concept. Sometimes, listening twice is the better part of valor.
grantahelms
/ November 29, 2011I think all of the above. I live in my world and we don’t speak your language here! Wait a minute, that’s Jr. Haha.
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011ROFL! And you just cannot get that on Rosetta Stone, eh?
G Devan Smith
/ November 29, 2011Jeez… I know I certain people I know personally need this… and me too an extent–BUT to an extent.
Cuz’ if I dumb things down and people STILL don’t understand that’s not MY problem. BWAHAHAHA!
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011Hallelujah! I just need to stop having the same conversations over and over again. (Read definition of insanity.) Love it, Red. PS Pass the linky love.
Angela Young
/ November 29, 2011Amen to that! How many petty arguments have been started by assumptions? My husband has a problem with the “be specific” thing. I don’t have problems with any of them ;] right? If only!
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011Angie, what a wonderful place it would be if none of us ever trips on one of the asses!
Androgoth
/ November 29, 2011This reminds me of a sitcom called
‘allo ‘allo…
I Vil say Zis Only Vunce 🙂 lol
Sorry about my hopeless German lingo 🙁
Have a fun evening Red 🙂
Androgoth XXx
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011Hahahaha! I needed that! I have not seen that in ages. And your German spelling is spot on! xxx Have a most excellent day, Andro. Red xxx
DrTheodoreHoma
/ November 29, 2011As a practicing physician I have spent 40 plus years learning the importance of listening and not jumping to conclusions. In my world, what is reported to me by a patient is worth 10x or more than the physical exam or labs that I order. Listening is a critical skill that we all should hone to a fine edge.Perhaps our world would be better. DrTheodoreHoma
annmariedwyer
/ November 29, 2011Thank you, Doc. Communication is critical for your profession, as it is in others. Many people do not recognize the influence their ability to articulate has. Few people truly comprehend the absolute need for listening acumen. Thank you for stopping by to comment! Red.
annmariedwyer
/ November 30, 2011Thought everyone here would enjoy this one…Cheers!
http://io9.com/5863077/what-science-fiction-can-teach-us-about-communicating-with-other-cultures
Bear
/ November 30, 2011You learn by listening not interuption,although i must admit i have somewhat of a listening disability at times. I too have been struck by the dumbass truck a few times! ……Uh squirrel!!!!!! Good article Red
annmariedwyer
/ November 30, 2011From the Saturday Evening Post, I have a S.H.O.R.T. attention span. I listen, just not for very long…I have a cure for the squirrels, though! 😉
Angela Young
/ November 30, 2011Ann Marie – I just started a new blog at WordPress (thanks to your LinkedIn comment) and my first post was inspired by you. I linked to your post “What You Heard Was Not What I Meant” in my comments. Thank you for your help and inspiration.
annmariedwyer
/ November 30, 2011Oh, Angie! I am so excited! Leave a link to it in the Green Room. And come back here to leave a link as well! And no thanks needed! You knew you had it in you 🙂 Red.
Angela Young
/ November 30, 2011You inspire me 🙂 (and many others)
This should be the right link to the blog: Do You Mean What I Know?
Thanks:)
annmariedwyer
/ November 30, 2011Yes, but put it in the Green Room. Link at the top of the blog bar. 🙂