Alphabet Challenged

No, there is no spelling error in the title of this week’s edition of the Friday Follies. Since the start of the Blogging A to Z Challenge, a new, arguably smarter, breed of crazy has emerged in the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Care to take a look at the specimens hatemailers? This is your official no liquid in your mouth warning, which will not be repeated. Heed.

If you have been around here for more than a week, you know the crazies happen to love pop psychology. They are all experts, who, in their superior knowledge, wield a battle axe as protestation to many of the M3 posts. My inner masochist knew when psychology was M3’s chosen theme for this challenge, the hatemailers would appear like grocery store flyers.

Score points for Friday Follies. There are enough from this week alone to keep us laughing for more than 5,000 words, but let’s pare that down a bit. Shall we?

A is for Adversarial

There are more adversaries than I would have ever imagined. Most of them were perturbed Anonymous comments were turned off. They did not want to leave their …wait for it… email addresses. So, of course, the only solution to their privacy concerns was to ….wait for it again… email Red’s stupidest inbox in the blogosphere.

The winner for this post was José, hatemailing from sunny California. His problem? Agreement.

If you cant agree about everything you have to get a divorce. Married people are supposed to agree. That is why they get married. Who wants some wife who is going to say you are wrong about everythign? She is supposed to love you. That means she has to laugh at your jokes. listen to your music and like your friends.”

Seriously? Not sure if shaking my head or screaming was the appropriate response to hatemail which lights my hair on fire, I penned the following to José:

Dear José,

The M3 Blog is rated PG. This means you need your parent’s permission to read it on the Internet. Please show this message to your mother or father. You are welcome to come back to M3 after you pass the 7th grade.

B is for Bad Behavior

Hatemail magnet for a title, I know. What was I thinking? Some of it was hurt-filled. Some of it was hurtful. Some of it was hilarious. Like Quinna’s winning one. Hatemailing from Saskatchewan, Quinna has a problem with ignorance. Stop snickering. You have not read it yet…

You are the cruelest [expletive] in the blog world. Ignorance is a plague. There has always been ignorant people and they can’t be helped. They have a disorder and can’t learn. That’s why they’re ignorant. If they could learn, they wouldn’t be ignorant. It is up to the smart people to take care of them so they don’t hurt themselves or us. They really are not dangerous. Just misunderstood.”

Yes, I, too, sat dumbstruck and blinked at the screen. Then, the creatively cruel mind jumped into warp speed. So many choices. What did I choose? The subtle (yeah, right) approach:

Dear Quinna,

My research has led me to the conclusion the agency which will give you the best results is the Mental Health and Addictions Service. The evaluations are free, and they can provide you with information about long term placement of the afflicted.

Saskatchewan is lucky to have someone like you looking after the information-challenged. Perhaps, when they discover a cure, they could name it after you in honor of your lifelong dedication to ignorance.

C is for Confidence

I admit freely I am one of the most confident people I know. The short list of things I cannot do are truly physical limitations, but the loss of these activities does not diminish me. I mean, why in the world would I want to sire a child? This confidence keeps me from drilling a hole in my head when I get hatemail from the likes of Arnold.

Hatemailing from London, Arnold was thinking of (and calling me) some other C words.

Of course you are confidant. You got all these people telling you what a great job you do all the time. Theres lots of people who dont have nobody to tell them they do a great job even when they do a [expletive] awesum job. What kind of [expletive] are you to tell people to believe in theirselves? Nobody likes somebody who is conseated and tells everybody what a [expletive] wiz they are at [expletive] evertyhing. most people suck at everything they do. Dont be telling people to believe in theirselves when you [expletive] cant know if they kno how to do anything good.”

Just, wow. The command of the native tongue had me in awe from the very beginning. Considering the challenge poor Arnold may face interpreting an email response from me (after his clear misinterpretation of the post), I decided it would be best if I just sent him a graphic to explain my position:

D is for Defiance

In what I consider one of my most successful alliterative accomplishments, this post drove hatemailers mad, and not Thursday MAD. Mad, as in stark-raving, foaming-at-the-mouth incensed kind of mad. Is the irony lost on the M3 Readers defiance was the topic for all this madness? It certainly was not on me.

By now, even if this is the first time you have been to M3, you see I have my tongue stuck out when it is not firmly in my cheek. The innate need to defy is ingrained in my identity as much as my femininity and my shoe shopping. Up for a double dose of irony? Meet Dee.

In a hatemail originating from the South Africa, Dee seems to have a problem with defiance. The problem is not with her own defiance, mind you, but my defiance. Observe.

You need to stop writing this kind of thing. Encouraging others to be defiant is dangerous. I didn’t understand all of the things in your article because I had to research what Borg was. What are you doing telling people to resist? I heard they had laws against that in the United States. Hatemongering is bad. If everyone just follows the crowd, everything is so much smoother. Good mothers teach their kids to be sweet and kind and law abiding. If there is any justice in the world all of your kids will defy you and go along peacefully with their friends and the law. That is the only form of defiance anybody should have. NOT doing what you tell them to do.”

Please note, I will one day find software which will allow me to discover which of you emailed the link to her. Until then, I am left to my own defiant devices. You decide. Which response does Dee get for her hatemail?

As luck would have it, half of us are adults. Our level of defiance was blighted by Momma’s overwhelming life force, which spawned minions to do her bidding. My grandmother says she reproduces without genetic intervention.

We all learned it was far better to do as she said and screw up everyone else’s children. Do you have any? If not, don’t. Momma’s reach is much longer than we ever thought it would be. Since we have started to leave North America, I am certain her plot to take over the world will come to fruition before her death. Spare yourself. Stay childless. Her reign is something to fear.

The Big V

Yes, this level of snark is both generational and exponential.

TWOYou really should read my manifesto. It would make understanding my lifelong desire to rule the planet by means of chaos far easier than attempting to piece-meal it together via blog posts. Just to give you a little history, in another life I was a shepherd. The experience purged any desire I could possibly have of being a sheep or raising sheep (or goats) in this life.

Hence, I have taught my children to defy all authority figures, of course with the sole exception of my authority. Laws are for sissies. The sooner people begin to defy our insane governments, the sooner we can settle into the Utopian lifestyle of self-satisfaction. And I advise everyone I meet to skydive. It hastens the natural selection process. Have you ever tried it? 

I may like mutton, but I despise sheep.

THREEHey, Dee. 

You must not be from this planet or have ever watched television or spent any time on the web. Maybe, your father was a Borg. That would explain a lot. If you want to be a sheep in a flock, you are bound to drink some nasty Kool-Aid before it is all over. But it will be the last thing you do.

Get a life, 

Honorable Mention

This week’s alphabet Spambot Honorable Mention goes to the MIT Telephone Sex bot, with the following quote:

Your writing taste has been surprised me. “

Funny. I still think it tastes like chicken!


My dearest M3 Readers, I hope your week has not been alphabet-challenged, hatemail-filled or rife with sheep. Until next week’s edition of Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, have a wonderful weekend! What answer shall we send to Dee?

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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