Pass Me Your Brain

Brain Picking


Before we get back to the middle legs of the identity millipede, I have to pick your brains. It has been a complete zombie weekend, on the heels of a busy weekend last week which left me a bit zombiefied. I am looking for something entirely perfect. Even though I was sure I was not.

Now, if left to our own devices Mate would be perfect in every single way. Many of us have made the mistake of picturing, personality mapping and designating Mr. and Mrs. Right. Most of us have realized this is not the way to be happy. Yet, I wonder.

Still on the Back Burner

We have all had a relationship which did not pan out for one reason or the other or a host of others. In each of the failed relationships, we learned something we absolutely did not want in our Mate. Did we? Or did we find Not-Mate to fail one of our ideals?

We also figured out there was something within us we did not want to be any longer. Or did we find out what we did not want was to settle?

Not Ideal


Newsflash: No one is perfect.

I realize as I type this, it is a difficult concept. It means you are not perfect either. Do not feel affronted. I am not perfect, so I think it puts you in some pretty terrific company.

Does it mean you deserve less? No. Does it mean you should give up trying to be a better you? No. Does it mean there will never be someone who feels like you are the best you for them? No, again.

Cannot Abide

We have established a working do not abide this  list. Abuse. Criminal activity. The non-negotiable list. Have you seriously considered the things you cannot abide beyond them? Oh, do not even attempt to be coy. Yes, you have. If you think you have not, I can guarantee you have. Let’s explore.


You want a Mate who will earn a living or stay at home whilst you earn a living. You do not want work to be the only thing Mate knows how to discuss. You do not want work to occupy all of Mate’s waking hours. You want to be more than your job. This are all on the do not abide list.

Sports Couch Potato is over for every game…never brings own beer.


Every Mate has that one friend who you absolutely would not cross the street to spit upon if Quaint was on fire. Sometimes, that Quaint is your mother-in-law, your brother-in-law, a former college roommate, a drinking buddy, a sports-couch-potato, a midnight drama caller, …does this sound familiar? This person is actually on your do not abide list.


Mate did something to occupy time before your relationship. Once you became a couple, the time diminished and was replaced with relationship time. What was it you and Mate stopped doing or, at least, quit scheduling as much time to do? Did you know this became part of your do not abide list?

Pieces Parts

All of these things become points of contention in a relationship because they involve choices, which, once made, bear directly on what you will or will not abide. Just one can test the mettle of the bonds between Mates. When you add them all together, the weight can be more than the relationship can bear.

Get to the point…

What was the question?

Always with the questions.

I want to know something, honestly. I want to know a few somethings, actually. Is your newly revised do not abide list defining your ideal of what Mate should be? All of these examples and many more define both what you want from a relationship and what you are willing to sacrifice to be in said relationship.

Let me hear from you:

  1. Are you holding Mate to an ideal you did not realize you had created?
  2. Do you live up to Mate’s new ideal?
  3. Do you think you have to settle with what Mate offers?
  4. What else is on your do not abide list?

I have never asked you a question in a vacuum. Tonight is no different. Without trying to figure out the right answer, give me what comes naturally. This is definitely not a right answer set of questions. Yes, this is leading somewhere completely different. Did I mention how much you ROCK?

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© Red Dwyer 2012
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