Alliteration and onomatopoeia will always inhabit my writing, especially my poetry. Why? I like when the words have a pleasing sound when they are spoken. English may be a mutt as far as languages are concerned, but I see absolutely no reason why it should not be well enunciated.
Not happy about this one.
What is uniformly lacking from my poetry is anything resembling a lyrical quality. Only a few months ago did I attempt something I only do every few years: repetition of lines. Truth be told, my inner critic would leave this on the cutting room floor. Perhaps, it is merely Mantra grousing she had nothing to do with it.
Over time, relationships come and go. Some end mutually. Some end in anger. Some are destroyed by hurt. There are a few which end because one person is gone. Whether the leaver has merely walked away or has died, the one left behind may not have shaken loose the heartstrings.
Take Away is a story of unrequited love. Specifically, it is of the love left over after the end of a relationship.
Take Away
Under the cover of darkness
I wrestle the demons
left behind in your wake.
Uncaring. Wishing I was
unfeeling the pain of
their aimed heart stakes.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Blissful numbness wore
away, leaving the heart hole
drilled by your love.
Raw. Making me pray
for relief, if anyone is
listening from above.
Why could you not
take away my love?
The night is chill
without your warm
embrace, your touch.
Longing. Wanting to
feel arms around me.
Wanting too much.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Dawn is timid, pale
pink. Coffee is no
longer strong and sweet.
Hungry. Thirsting for a
better place to rest
my bones and feet.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Overfilled with emotion
and no one here or
close to receive.
Loving. Longing to share,
care. Needing someone
to help me revive.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Realization is empty.
Knowing I am alone
makes the loneliness
Omnipresent. Engulfing
my soul in the frigid
grip of aloneness.
Why could you not
take away my love?
020620100046
Soma Mukherjee
/ June 3, 2012As sad and tormenting separations can be its better, than carrying the burden of a dead relationship
being in love and then to find you no longer share the same warmth or wavelength can be really devastating.
loved the way you repeated the last line, making it sound like an eco of all the prayers,pain and the hollow feeling inside
Soma Mukherjee recently posted..amuse-bouche
Red
/ June 3, 2012Thank you, Soma. This one was from real life in a very large, loud way.
Carl D'Agostino
/ June 3, 2012The repeated line or refrain is very effective in poetry, oration and song. I don’t write much poetry but I do use the refrain and write most things with congruent syllabic count line by line.
Carl D’Agostino recently posted..Flavius motivates his players by Carl D’Agostino
Red
/ June 3, 2012I have a really (should be typed in webscream) hard time adhering to convention rhyme patterns and accepted meter…especially iambic pentameter. I happen to prefer odd numbers for syllable counts, as it mimics speech more closely. I am a firm believer in the poem aloud. If I cannot read it aloud and get the gist, I missed the boat entirely.
Alchemist
/ June 4, 2012I have come to believe that to truly appreciate the full flavor of Love, one must also embrace, just as fully, it’s sometimes bitter aftertaste. I love the idea of “unfeeling the pain”, a longing for apathy that ties well into your refrain, a plea to no longer feel Love. Tears are the currency with which we pay for our joy. Thank you.
Alchemist recently posted..Element: Fire
Red
/ June 4, 2012The numbness is a necessary part of the healing. Glad you liked this one, and very good to see you today.
Valentine Logar
/ June 5, 2012Mantra needs to let you soar on your own now and again. I thought this was lovely, different but lovely.
I like the thought of becoming numb, unfeeling in the wake of alone. The idea that alone is sometimes a necessary ending of love, no matter how it is achieved and numb is not what the person left standing feels. This is sometimes why we fear the emptiness of alone.
Yes, Mantra should indeed leave you to it now and again.
Valentine Logar recently posted..History isn’t Mutable, But we are
Red
/ June 5, 2012My uninspired poetry is quite different. The unfeeling is the part deserving gratitude. All to0 soon it wears away, often before the love does.
Lorre
/ June 12, 2012It is all painful. More so if the other person is still around in your life somehow.
For me: The repeated line is a cry for some sense to be made of such a painful thing.
Lorre recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: If you mean “my” words.
Red
/ June 13, 2012I like the cognizance of your interpretation. I rather saw it as a way out…as in when the person leaves, take the love with them so it will not hurt.
Lorre
/ June 16, 2012Wouldn’t that be wonderful.