I am too ill to be able to wrap my brain around what has occurred. Clyde will not make an appearance tonight. The wind is cold. So is my soul.
Quaint came to me to say the only solution was suicide.
Suicide happens to be on my cannot abide list. In my 2/3 of a lifetime, I have talked more than a handful off the ledge. My success rate must have been tied to modus operandum.
In the past, the suicides I was able to thwart were of traditional means: overdose, poison, carbon monoxide, gun, exsanguination, fall, motor vehicle. Each very simple mode of death was set with a finite path and relatively easy to predict time frame. The window of opportunity was framed.
Quaint has not chosen a simple mode of death.
The proliferation of contributing causes is exacerbated by everyday living, especially the lifestyle and career Quaint engages. The combination of health conditions and mental barrage of stressors equates without deviation to a casket.
What’s the rub?
We all end up in some variant on the theme of a casket. Not all of us are heaping coal into the locomotive’s engine. Quaint is.
Any of a large number of choices would circumvent the expedited conclusion. Even one good choice will make a difference. Quaint says no.
Why?
Excuse. Fear. Excuse. Pride. Excuse. Fear. Excuse.
Standard fare in this case is to ravel the excuses from being large un-Boy Scout knots into easy to roll (or cut) strings. Done. No sooner than one is done, another one is presented.
Pride? Yes, Quaint is too proud to take help, even in the form of information. Again, why?
Fear.
Fear of truth: Being faced with a situation which is a direct result of your own bad behavior and bad choices and having someone who had no hand in making the choice point out the truth.
Fear of responsibility: Taking ownership of both bad behavior and bad choices, especially when a third party has pointed them out, and knowing that ownership will require you to stop said bad behavior.
Fear of the unknown: The cure for the fear of the unknown is to know.
Fear of knowing: Finding out may mean you are really the reason for the situation’s dire nature.
Fear of change: Once you know it is your doing, you have to stop doing it.
Fear of failure: You may not change to the right thing the first time.
Fear of judgment: Owning your bad behavior means admitting those who judged you may have had probable cause.
Fear of belief: Admitting you did not uphold the beliefs you held out.
Fear of labels: Someone may think your bad behavior is untoward, and you will not have the chutzpah to prove you are not accurately characterized by your bad behavior.
Fear of trying: It is easier to do nothing than attempt something which may fail.
Failure
No matter how I may try, I can never force someone to do something they are unwilling to attempt.
In this case, what I failed to do was convince Quaint to take any one of the myriad choices available to derail the train.
Tonight, I am ill, both heartsick and physically ill, knowing someone I would give the world on a string is resigned to suicide.
Valentine Logar
/ February 23, 2013I would tie a string to the tail of a vicious dog and pull it twice to change this outcome. I cannot find a dog vicious enough.
I would rather rip the limb from quaint and beat him half to death with the bloody end, then kick him when he is down with the pointy end of my cowgirl boot. Unfortunately I believe he would welcome the abuse.
Sometimes, we can’t change outcomes for others. Despite our best desire and best offering, they refuse to move from what they know best. It is not your failure. Not your failure to love. Not your failure in compassion or generosity of heart.
I love you.
Valentine Logar recently posted..March of Marriage
Red
/ February 28, 2013I do hope there is something which changes the outcome even if the outcome is not what I would consider optimal or desirable. In the end, living is the goal even if I would want living well to be the outcome. I love you, too.
Laurie
/ February 23, 2013I have no words, I can only agree with Val.
Red
/ February 28, 2013xxx
enchantedseashells
/ February 23, 2013I’m so sorry to hear you’re in pain. I don’t have anything to say other than that, as I have no experience with suicide, but it seems that it makes those left behind bereft and endlessly sad. Hand holding across the miles, my cyber-sister.
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Red
/ February 28, 2013I have come to realize the lack of self-esteem necessary to contemplate this precludes the ability to see how actions and inaction affect others for they believe no one is affected because they do not feel effective in their own lives. xxx
raymond alexander kukkee
/ February 23, 2013Some individuals are beyond help, in spite of one’s incredible, selfless, and best efforts. The destiny called stupidity interferes with logic.
Wisdom, therefore, dictates the necessity of separation of feelings of helplessness & guilt from reality at some point. Protect yourself now, this is not your fault, so pull the pin emotionally. Most important advice ever offered from the corner office, Red…((hugs)).
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Red
/ February 28, 2013I cannot feel guilty, as I have done nothing but attempt to help. The helplessness remains because I cannot help one who does not want to be helped.
raymond alexander kukkee
/ February 28, 2013Exactly, and that’s why it’s important to pull the pin and disconnect at that point. It does seem counter-intuitive, but why feel guilty and helpless when assistance is firmly refused as ‘somehow inadequate to save one who cannot be saved –Hence the ‘pull the pin’ emotionally, and disconnect for your own well-being.
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Grant Helms,Jr.
/ February 23, 2013Red this is very true, provocative and to the point just like everything else that you write. I can’t wait to read your next post.
Red
/ February 28, 2013Thank you.
Deb
/ February 23, 2013If one commits suicide, then they have failed, and for good. But if they don’t, and keep going on, then they are never failures. There is always a silver lining in all things, one just has to open their eyes and look for them.
Excellent post, Red!
xxx
Deb recently posted..Too Many, Too Fast
Red
/ February 28, 2013Thank you, Deb. Truly, it is an irreversible answer to a reversible fortune. xxx
El Guapo
/ February 23, 2013I too agree with Val.
Not knowing anything about the situation, all I can say is I’m around if you need anything.
El Guapo recently posted..Music Critique: Lenny Sucks. Yeah, I said it.
Red
/ February 28, 2013It is hard to know what would help mitigate the feelings associated with this. Thanx, Guapo.
MJ Logan
/ February 24, 2013I hope your friend decides that suicide is not the answer. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend.
MJ
Red
/ February 28, 2013Me, also.Thank you.
Gingerfightback
/ February 24, 2013Hope things work out Red
Red
/ February 28, 2013I sincerely hope so, Jim.
dontchawannadream
/ February 24, 2013I always say I couldn’t commit suicide because I’d be too afraid to harm myself. Makes me so sad to read some people can do that to themselves. 🙁
Sending you lots of love and positive energy from France, Red. Plus, I’m from French Riviera. So you’ll get lots of sunshine too. 🙂
Red
/ February 28, 2013I can feel the warmth, Cha <3 xxx