Zombies

Typically, when you think of raising someone, you are thinking about children or zombies. In both cases, you are correct. No, don’t get your knickers in a twist. You know at least one zombie. Admit it. No? Still? *sigh*

The Walking Dead

Brain death has occurred, but the body still walks… seeking brains. You know someone like this. Guaranteed. Look at the symptoms:

• Ears, probably two, attached, but do not function.
• Movement is lethargic, lacks urgency, initiative and purpose.
• Actions appear autonomous but are incongruous to situations.
• Rather than keeping with the conversation, repeats the same things over and over and over.

You know someone like that? Oh, really? Told you.

Talking to the Dead

Maybe a seance would be easier, but this person is only brain dead… and selectively deaf. While you speak, the internal translator is morphing your words into a statement supporting the drama du jour or du vie, depending on the zombie.

Walking with the Dead

Whether collegiate or corporate, the zombie is truly going through the motions. Zombies do not do anything of their own volition. Likewise, they will not assist you in pursuits, even when such pursuits are in their own best interest. Often, zombies will do things in direct opposition to their best interest because it is what they have always done.

Listening to the Dead

While the mantra of “Braaains” is the only one used in polite conversation and movies, you likely have heard hundreds of mantras. Any of these ring a bell?

• He is such a(n) [insert expletive].
• If I only had [insert incentive, reward or characteristic], …
• Yeah, but…
• If you would have, …
• Well, the reason I didn’t was [insert someone else’s fault].
• But she did…

Oh, right, now you know a whole host of zombies, eh?

Cure for Zombies

Gather shotgun, shovel, lime, Gather patience. You may have to approach a subject three dozen times before you find the hole in the zombie’s head where information is actually input. Once you find it, do not turn the information faucet to wide open. Only pour in one piece at a time; the zombie is still brain dead, remember.

Once your zombie hurdles that first piece of information, input the next piece to begin rebuilding the brain. WARNING: This is a slow, often painful process… for you. Zombies are brain dead and have no feelings they have not already expressed to you, which all occurred before brain death.

Cracked Skull

Get away. If your zombie has already cracked your skull and has sucked out a good portion of your brain, you still can survive. Put distance between you. Since zombies are slow, you can build a new plan of attack to cure the zombie before it shuffles up to your door. Meanwhile, block the zombie’s telephone number. Advanced zombies carry cell phones.

I married a zombie.

Get help. Whether it is from friends, your family or zombie’s family, you need help. Professional (my personal suggestion), spiritual and/or medical help are the most effective. If one method does not work, choose another avenue. All zombies have a secret desire to be cured.

Pass the Zombie

After you have exhausted all of your avenues, simply introduce the zombie to someone new. The smell of fresh brains will lure the zombie to shuffle away.

How many zombies do you know? Have you cured a zombie? Share your recipe for success (or disaster).

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