Typically, when you think of raising someone, you are thinking about children or zombies. In both cases, you are correct. No, don’t get your knickers in a twist. You know at least one zombie. Admit it. No? Still? *sigh*
The Walking Dead
Brain death has occurred, but the body still walks… seeking brains. You know someone like this. Guaranteed. Look at the symptoms:
- Ears, probably two, attached, but do not function.
- Movement is lethargic, lacks urgency, initiative and purpose.
- Actions appear autonomous but are incongruous to situations.
- Rather than keeping with the conversation, repeats the same things over and over and over.
You know someone like that? Oh, really? Told you.
Talking to the Dead
Maybe a seance would be easier, but this person is only brain dead… and selectively deaf. While you speak, the internal translator is morphing your words into a statement supporting the drama du jour or du vie, depending on the zombie.
Walking with the Dead
Whether collegiate or corporate, the zombie is truly going through the motions. Zombies do not do anything of their own volition. Likewise, they will not assist you in pursuits, even when such pursuits are in their own best interest. Often, zombies will do things in direct opposition to their best interest because it is what they have always done.
Listening to the Dead
While the mantra of “Braaains” is the only one used in polite conversation and movies, you likely have heard hundreds of mantras. Any of these ring a bell?
- He is such a(n) [insert expletive].
- If I only had [insert incentive, reward or characteristic], …
- Yeah, but…
- If you would have, …
- Well, the reason I didn’t was [insert someone else’s fault].
- But she did…
Oh, right, now you know a whole host of zombies, eh?
Cure for Zombies
Gather shotgun, shovel, lime, Gather patience. You may have to approach a subject three dozen times before you find the hole in the zombie’s head where information is actually input. Once you find it, do not turn the information faucet to wide open. Only pour in one piece at a time; the zombie is still brain dead, remember.
Once your zombie hurdles that first piece of information, input the next piece to begin rebuilding the brain. WARNING: This is a slow, often painful process… for you. Zombies are brain dead and have no feelings they have not already expressed to you, which all occurred before brain death.
Cracked Skull
Get away. If your zombie has already cracked your skull and has sucked out a good portion of your brain, you still can survive. Put distance between you. Since zombies are slow, you can build a new plan of attack to cure the zombie before it shuffles up to your door. Meanwhile, block the zombie’s telephone number. Advanced zombies carry cell phones.
I married a zombie.
Get help. Whether it is from friends, your family or zombie’s family, you need help. Professional (my personal suggestion), spiritual and/or medical help are the most effective. If one method does not work, choose another avenue. All zombies have a secret desire to be cured.
Pass the Zombie
After you have exhausted all of your avenues, simply introduce the zombie to someone new. The smell of fresh brains will lure the zombie to shuffle away.
How many zombies do you know? Have you cured a zombie? Share your recipe for success (or disaster).
Hashtags: #zombies #marriage #friends
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Laurie
/ December 21, 2011move far, far away. do not leave forwarding address, do not return.
Red
/ December 21, 2011ROFL! Yes, sometimes that is a good solution. *giggles*
lorrelee1970
/ December 21, 2011LMAO. I thought of many a zombie reading this post.
Red
/ December 21, 2011*Grins* Me, too.
awarewriter
/ December 21, 2011My recipe for success (with zombies) — don’t watch TV and stay out of WalMart.
John
Red
/ December 21, 2011Coffee on my screen LMAO!
Alexandra Heep
/ December 21, 2011We are a nation of zombies.
Red
/ December 21, 2011I think you are right about that *sigh*
grantahelms
/ December 21, 2011Interesting Red. Never thought of Zombie’s in this manner. I guess, using your guide, everyone I know, even myself, has been a zombie at some point in time. Question is my friend, where is the ” SAFE ZONE”? Love you, Grant
Red
/ December 21, 2011LOL! As far as I see it, only somewhere you can be alone! LU2, Red.
Angela Young
/ December 22, 2011If you are a zombie and you are alone with yourself, are you safe?
I guess there are no brains to eat, so maybe. The problem is that zombies keep trying to get smart by eating other people’s brains. If only it worked that way! In fact, they wind up making other brainless people walking around. Soon all the brains will have been consumed. Then what? The world as we know it may be coming to an end soon.
RUN, do not walk, RUN for your life!
Red
/ December 22, 2011Somehow, that first question sounds like a tree in the forest…LOL!
Marc Phillippe Babinau
/ December 22, 2011Hey, it appears that zombies and alcoholics have a lot in common!
Cool blog, Red!
valentinelogar
/ December 22, 2011Why oh why did I read this with my first cup of coffee. Dying here.
I know hundreds!! I need help. I think, I think, I think…..my brain.
Actually I think we may all be Zombies, as Grant said at some points in our lives. Sometimes just as a matter of self-preservation perhaps.
Red
/ December 22, 2011I have been a zombie once or twice. The trick is wanting to be cured. The true zombies…Pass.
nigelld
/ December 22, 2011My wife is named Zoe somewhere along the line all 3 of our daughters managed to add the m, b and i to it in their teenage years.
Nigel
😉
Red
/ December 22, 2011ROFL! Nigel, you are just too much!
valentinelogar
/ December 22, 2011Hey isn’t that the actual nature of teenagers?
nigelld
/ December 22, 2011Ignore person warning what’s ROFL, I could just sneak off and Google it but….
Red
/ December 22, 2011Rolling On the Floor Laughing 🙂