Dead Horses

Recently, I have found myself in the center of relationship situations with some of my closest friends, relatives and a host of Quaints. To be honest, I am among their ranks as well.

Over the course of time, some relationships dissolve, despite the effort of at least one of the parties. Some relationships dissolve despite the effort of both parties. In some cases, a clear argument for lack of communication is central to the break up. In other cases, more nefarious reasons were afoot: abuse, infidelity, neglect. In all cases, more than one factor is at work.

We have covered many of the reasons why relationships end. Let’s look at some of the aftermath. Specifically, let’s look at the dead horse.


When one person decides a relationship is over, often the other person did not turn love off like a faucet. It lingers until it fades or is completely broken. If the relationship eroded slowly, both mates can often feel the love slip away.

burning heartIn relationships where a cataclysmic or silent series of events ends is one mate leaving, the other mate’s love may be thrown into turmoil. While it makes sense to not love a person who would walk out of your life and exclude you from the new one, the heart is often not swayed by logic.

While the mate who leaves is content with the way things are now, the mate left behind may well believe their love will be enough to salvage the relationship. They diligently wheedle, beg and bargain for Mate to come home and participate.

It does not work.

First, Mate is not interested in your love. Had Mate been interested, Mate would not have left. Mate would not have lost interest in the activities you shared. Mate would not have begun a life alone or with someone else. This is not your fault.

twoSecond, increasing the effort you exert to show your love to Mate is going to end badly. Mate will be frustrated by your ministrations in at least one of two ways. 1. It will prove your prior exercise of love was insufficient to maintain your relationship to Mate’s standard. 2. It will prove Mate is disinterested in your love. Neither reason is your fault. Mate simply did not accept or does not want your love.

Third, loving someone who does not love you is not healthy for your self-esteem. Each of us deserves to be loved reciprocally. When we love those who do not return our love in equivalent measure, we doubt our worthiness to be loved. This is a false start.

Our worthiness to be loved is independent. Just because one person does not love you the way you love him/her does not mean no one will ever love you or you are unworthy of being loved. In fact, you are simply looking for love from the wrong source.


broken heartNot all love is built to last. Each of us outgrows love at a different rate. Some of us never get to the place where we no longer have caring feelings for those we loved ferociously at one point. When one person in a relationship stops loving the other, nothing will revive the old love. At best, it changes form into a friendship. In the middle, it changes into the goodwill we have for strangers we pass on the street. At worst, it changes into contempt.

We have all heard stories of those who “lost love” and found it again with one another. A closer examination reveals it is not what they had before. It is a different incarnation of love created by two people who are vastly different from the people they were when they first loved each another.

Second Chances

Deep inside, each of us believes we are gracious enough to grant a second chance, especially to those we love the most. Likewise, we want to believe those we love would grant us a second chance.

Exercise caution. Before you stride headlong into proving your love for someone who has walked away, find out why that person is not present. If you are as honest with yourself as Mate is about why he/she left, you will realize chasing what once was is a mistake. In the end, it is hanging onto a past which was not as good as you may have liked to have it remembered.

Have you seen someone go after a Mate who left? How can you help your friend see the past and present as they are?

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  1. I gave up on love a long time ago as it never seemed to be more than a one-way trip.

    I’ve had several relationships, but they all failed because we were friends rather than lovers.

    At least that was the excuse when they ripped my heart out and walked away. 🙁

    These days the medication has put paid to any hope of a sexual relationship, so it looks like I’m going to die single. 🙁

    Still: Could be worse! 🙂

    Love and hugs!

    prenin recently posted..Tuesday – Stormy weather.My Profile

  2. This is why many turn to chocolate. It does not betray you.

  3. Then there is the one who uses an elephant gun to kill the love you had for them and leave you brain dead and unable to feel or even want to feel.

  4. I’ve always been the one to leave. I’ve had mix tapes sent to me, phone calls coming in for a year, letters of nostalgia, and one particular person replacing me with a facsimile.

    I left when I still had love but couldn’t live with the relationship. I left when I was the only one working on it. I left in good conscience that I had done what I could for an extended period of time to right the wrongs I had done myself. But essentially I had to remain true to myself and be myself instead of attempting to fit into a mold that wasn’t meant for or satisfying me.

    I’ve stopped leaving. I may let go, but I only make relationships with those who understand me and care enough about me to recognize who I truly am.
    Gail Thornton recently posted..Losing TimeMy Profile

  5. Hi Red. The last paragraph of the Love sectiopn was me after my 1st marriage ended. It took me a long time to realise/accept it was over. Michelle & I have now been married for 18 years & we are still very close & the bestest (is that a real word???) of friends.
    I would like to add pizza & burgers to Binky’s comment

  6. I’m against the straight up second chance. Without knowing why it failed in the first place, a second chance is often doomed to fail as well.
    El Guapo recently posted..A Life, RememberedMy Profile

  7. It takes a real measure of a person to give one that has strayed a second chance, and life with all of its ups and downs really can be different if the turning point can be achieved and understood.

    Nevertheless, life is never simple.

    Andro xxxx
    Gray Dawster recently posted..New Themes: Motif and SuitsMy Profile

  8. I don’t recall anymore. Most of the couple I’ve know have stayed together for whatever reason whether it was financial or otherwise, and lived separate lives. I’ve noticed when love is gone later in life, some couples don’t want to split up their possessions and start all over again.

    I only remember when I was about 21, when the breakup of my relationship came by telephone. That was horrible and I picked my brain to come up with something big enough that he would love me again. Waste of effort and time.
    Tess Kann recently posted..These Socks SuckMy Profile

  9. Since this is where I am right now, after giving a second chance there is nothing I can say. Love is love, it changes over time rarely retaining that first shiny pretty sparkle but still we might keep passion. Then, one day you wake up and the person beside you isn’t ‘the one’ or is it you? Maybe it is you.

    No matter what the issue, no matter what the cause the reality is when a long term relationship falls apart there is hurt. Usually on both sides. The reality is, some of us are left feeling we won’t be loved again and our 100% wasn’t enough.

    No amount of pragmatism will change how the heart guides us.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Wallowing, NotMy Profile


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