In a week where I was missing for the majority of the time, one would think the crazies may well have taken a holiday. Where would the fun be in that? The stupidest inbox in the blogosphere was chock-o-block full. Buckle up for this week’s edition of Friday Follies. Not only does the standard drink warning apply, please put all projectiles out of reach.
One group will not be making an appearance tonight. The hatemail which arrived for and about the posts Saturday Evening Post and The No Brainer were too inflammatory to actually be fun. Suffice it to say some of the following are examples of Sticks & Stones:
…irresponsible to give a handbook for how to commit abuse…”
…[expletive] cruel to expose the victims like this…”
You need to be talking from experience.”
All of these hatemailers, from six different countries, were referred to national centers which address domestic violence and abuse.
Angel of Death
This week’s hatemailers do not win any originality awards. Alternatively, I have stayed completely true to character. Another incarnation of the Angel of Death, a title I garnered several months ago compliments of a French hatemailer named Vivian, came via a hatemailer this week who took offense to The Jetty.
I would be remiss to fail to disclose The Jetty was not a Mantra production. If you have not been around M3 very long, you may not know I occasionally write poetry outside what Mantra inspires, although, admittedly, not as well. The hatemail, however, was not about my shortcomings as a poet.
Enter Marcel. (Maybe, it is French thing.) Hatemailing from France, Marcel’s problem is allegedly noble in looking out for M3, but it is debatable.
Why you would tell people it is OK to commit suicide is crazy. Are you one of those crazy angels of death? How are you going to have a good blog if your readers are killing themselves?”
Yes, dear M3 Readers, he is worried for your safety. Never mind the only references to suicide on M3 are in the comments and in Friday Follies. Poetry is in the eye of the beholder, though.
Many of the M3 Readers saw her drink as one of poison, even though it is just as plausible she was drinking alcohol and dying slowly. Either way, the M3 Readers were left to discern for themselves. So, what did I send to Marcel?
The M3 Readers are far too intelligent to kill themselves. Instead, I am quite certain they are doing the responsible thing and forwarding such posts to those who are likely to commit suicide. Frankly, I see it as promoting natural selection.
By the way, did The Jetty convince you suicide is the solution? I could refer you to the Hemlock Society.
Nothing like reading completely out of context…and from the wrong blog.
I rarely double dip posts in Friday Follies, but this hatemail was far too perfect to pass. Hatemailing from Arizona, The Jetty also affected Kimberley, but in a much different manner.
Oh, I need some of those little bottles! They would make such great gifts!”
Let’s hope she was reading the poem by the latter interpretation rather than Marcel’s. Who is the Angel of Death now?
The mysophobes were certain I needed an education, judging from the hatemail I got regarding Cross It Off The List. The post on saving money struck them all as my way of contaminating the food supply. My favorite hatemail came from Jody in California.
The reason food comes in individual packages is so you do not have to eat food someone touched.”
I was unaware the migrant population of harvesters in California had been permanently put out of business and replaced by a completely mechanical means of gathering crops.
This is not a left coast phenomenon. Hatemailing from Georgia, Arlene was quick to point out her aversions to food touching.
That is so disgusting! Who wants to eat a snack after someone else put their hands all over it? Do you know how unhygenic baggies are? People touch them to get them in the box.”
Now, a lifetime subscription to hand sanitizer will not get me past that one. Think it was only the Americans? Think again. Hatemailing from Bristol, Karre had this to say.
How utterly vile a suggestion! Anyone who knows anything about how nasty humans are knows you should never handle your own food. Do you know what grows under your fingernails?”
I need to see her gadgetry…and her pedigree. I idly wondered if she was registered.
Well, confession time: I cheated. Here is my response to the mysophobes:
In the last 150 years, food safety has progressed to the point we have very few outbreaks of food-borne pathogens worldwide. However, giving your penchant for considering yourself the next statistic, I have some suggestions for you.
- Eat only manufactured materials. Some are biodegradable, even though the taste of most papers are bland, artificial sweeteners go a long way to making them palatable.
- Invest in flowers seeds. If you can grow them, you will know no one has touched them. Oh, wait, does your neighbor have a dog?
- Invest in polypropylene gloves. They are far more sanitary than those powder-filled latex abominations.
- Always eat directly from the wrapper. When you cannot trust the food to be germ-free, you can always count on industry to make the plastic hygienic.
To be honest, I have seen fingernail scrapings beneath a microscope slide. You do know arsenic will kill them all, right?
What? (Red bats eyelashes demurely.)
MAD About Trees
Every once in a while a MAD post comes under fire. This week Tree of Life was just such a post. What in the world was there to misunderstand about helping yourself, your budget and the planet? Apparently, the title and the innocent (sort of) people I so callously disregarded in suggesting such bizarre behavior.
Hatemailing from South Dakota, Jock had a problem with the entire idea. Let’s let him explain it, in pertinent part:
You are telling people to be emmisaries of the devil, you heathern. No one on God’s planet should be planting temptation in their yards to lure the unsaved to thier eternal doom by eating of the forbidden friuts.
I tried to report you, but my lawyer says you have a first ammendment right to spew your hate and damnation on the internet. I sent your site to all my friends and family so they ‘ll never click on your blasphemous site.”
Yes, read it again. I admit I had to read it three times to be able to do it with a straight face. Let’s get interactive. What shall we send to Jock? Warning: My inner ginger demon had a hand in all of the answers.
Your attorney is correct. I do have a First Amendment right to accurately describe the benefits of attempting to rectify some of the ills done to the planet at the hands of those whose avarice and sloth have ravaged it.
I am curious though. Does not your religion have you charged as a steward of the Earth? Mine happens to, but it does not have any of those inane prohibitions against such things as eating the fruits of my labor. Although, I must admit, my third-born was rather tough and slightly gamy. Perhaps, a longer marinade would have been better.
On behalf of M3, let me thank you for promoting Momma’s Money Matters. It is Red’s sincere desire all of the M3 Readers share posts with their friends and family. M3 is bursting at the seams with information. So much so, it is like having a Tree of Knowledge planted in your computer. Be sure to stop by for future editions of Make A Difference because Red knows you, and all the M3 Readers, really do want to MAD!
You know, I was having a discussion about this recently. It seems after I planted trees in my yard there were new visitors. Not like the kind which leave crop circles in my neighbor’s field, we actually like them. More of the kind who knock on the door at lunchtime and want to save my soul. It seems fresh food is a lure, but not for those heathens who need to be saved, only the ones who think I need to be saved. Am I planting the wrong kinds of fruits? I really think the heathens are much more fun.
And this brings to a close the 26th edition of the M3 Friday Follies, compliments of the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. I sincerely hope your week has been free of hatemail, zealots and mysophobes. What shall we send to Jock? I hope your weekend is off to a delicious start!
Happy Memorial Day weekend!