Typically, when you think of raising someone, you are thinking about children or zombies. In both cases, you are correct. No, don’t get your knickers in a twist. You know at least one zombie. Admit it. No? Still? *sigh*

The Walking Dead

Brain death has occurred, but the body still walks… seeking brains. You know someone like this. Guaranteed. Look at the symptoms:

English: Brighton Zombie Walk 2010

  • Ears, probably two, attached, but do not function.
  • Movement is lethargic, lacks urgency, initiative and purpose.
  • Actions appear autonomous but are incongruous to situations.
  • Rather than keeping with the conversation, repeats the same things over and over and over.

You know someone like that? Oh, really? Told you.

Talking to the Dead

Maybe a seance would be easier, but this person is only brain dead… and selectively deaf. While you speak, the internal translator is morphing your words into a statement supporting the drama du jour or du vie, depending on the zombie.

Walking with the Dead

Whether collegiate or corporate, the zombie is truly going through the motions. Zombies do not do anything of their own volition. Likewise, they will not assist you in pursuits, even when such pursuits are in their own best interest. Often, zombies will do things in direct opposition to their best interest because it is what they have always done.

Listening to the Dead

While the mantra of “Braaains” is the only one used in polite conversation and movies, you likely have heard hundreds of mantras. Any of these ring a bell?


  • He is such a(n) [insert expletive].
  • If I only had [insert incentive, reward or characteristic], …
  • Yeah, but…
  • If you would have, …
  • Well, the reason I didn’t was [insert someone else’s fault].
  • But she did…

Oh, right, now you know a whole host of zombies, eh?

Cure for Zombies

Gather shotgun, shovel, lime, Gather patience. You may have to approach a subject three dozen times before you find the hole in the zombie’s head where information is actually input. Once you find it, do not turn the information faucet to wide open. Only pour in one piece at a time; the zombie is still brain dead, remember.

Once your zombie hurdles that first piece of information, input the next piece to begin rebuilding the brain. WARNING: This is a slow, often painful process… for you. Zombies are brain dead and have no feelings they have not already expressed to you, which all occurred before brain death.

Cracked Skull

Get away. If your zombie has already cracked your skull and has sucked out a good portion of your brain, you still can survive. Put distance between you. Since zombies are slow, you can build a new plan of attack to cure the zombie before it shuffles up to your door. Meanwhile, block the zombie’s telephone number. Advanced zombies carry cell phones.

zombie kissI married a zombie.

Get help. Whether it is from friends, your family or zombie’s family, you need help. Professional (my personal suggestion), spiritual and/or medical help are the most effective. If one method does not work, choose another avenue. All zombies have a secret desire to be cured.

Pass the Zombie

After you have exhausted all of your avenues, simply introduce the zombie to someone new. The smell of fresh brains will lure the zombie to shuffle away.

How many zombies do you know? Have you cured a zombie? Share your recipe for success (or disaster).

Hashtags: #zombies #marriage #friends

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© Red Dwyer 2011
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  1. Absolutely Hilarious! You have just described my wayward 17 year old son to a T… and maybe my ex-wife too… please no flames.. i utilized the “put yourself as far from the zombie as possible” method described near the end.

    • When I first talked about this post, I got quite a few knickers in a knot. Truly, we all know (or have been at one time) zombies. Art imitates life, eh? Glad you liked it and good to see you, Aaron! Red.

  2. i think this all is true

    • Glad to have an authority weigh in on the subject. Thank you for stopping by to comment! Red.

  3. So, I see that you have been taking notes from just beyond the Crypt, well one of those Zombies Crypt in and Crypt out again but what he or she did inside one will never know? 🙂

    I like this one, well I would wouldn’t I my wickedly fine great friend 🙂 lol Unfortunately I know loads of these Zombie types but like you say, introduce them to someone new and watch them run off into the sunset…

    Brains are just too scrumptious
    for those dudes and dudesses…

    Great Posting Red…

    Androgoth XXx

    • I thought this might pique your interest, even if it is on the milder side for you. As the comments attest, we all have or have been zombies at one point…Although my first instinct will always be the shotgun, shovel and lime…Cheers, Andro!


  4. Love it! Move away from the zombies and walk into the light of the living!

  5. LOLOL 🙂
    oh no BRAINNNS …..
    “Married a Zombie ……” lol
    we can talk about that one another night …………..:)
    Divorcing a Zombie …… Your personal DIY kit to getting Your Life back !!!!!!!!!!!
    now i seriously can no longer fall off this chair laffing———————-

    I adore you Coquette lady o love
    and yes TO LOVE MAIL ……
    goodnight xoxoxoxoxoxo
    Cat Forsley recently posted..Happy weekend ! Happy almost Canada Day! xo CatMy Profile

    • LOL! @DIY Kit. Too much. Yes, even on regular posts we manage to have a bit of fun around here. BN, and have a grand time tomorrow, MCD. <3 Wear sunscreen. See you when you get back! <3 {HUGZ}

  6. I meant love mail 🙂 lol
    and i live in Typo town 🙂 xoxoxoxo
    Goodnight sweets xo
    Cat Forsley recently posted..Happy weekend ! Happy almost Canada Day! xo CatMy Profile

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