This week has been very revealing. After the blogging award, I got nominated for a second award for writing on HubPages. Between those two posts, you learned quite a bit about me, the intolerant, obnoxious, human-hating me. How about some more?
If patience is a virtue, …
…that makes me evil. I have none for the following:
- Bad coffee
- Stupidity
- Crass behavior
- Verbal diarrhea
- Rectal myopia
Image via Wikipedia
Undisputed
I am the Empress of Excellent Coffee. One of my girlfriends’ husband drove OTR. When he was MIA, she would call my house and ask to speak to him. He would drive the 60 miles out of the way (as in right past his exit home to my exit) to stop for a pot of coffee before he went home. Despite my sharing both the correct coffee and the recipe, she just never could make it the way I do.
I have been secretly putting bad mojo on the creamery business by making coffee which diehard blonde drinkers happily suck down black. It is my own version of Pink. Save the udders… drink it black.
It is a choice.
Ignorance is curable. Add knowledge. Ignorance cured. Stupidity is having the chance to learn and actively turning it down. I have no tolerance, sympathy, patience or pity for stupidity.
Image by Mirka Naldi via Flickr
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Do you know more than half of your friends are afflicted? That is right. The CDC is trying to keep it under wraps. There is an epidemic afoot. People’s mouths are not wired to their brains.
It’s not about you.
This particular disease, fortunately, is not contagious, but could result in a tongue lashing, or perhaps, in severe cases, a firm slap in the chops. Commonly texted as STFU, your grandmother would have said, “Kindly be quiet.” Let’s look at a few of the things which qualify:
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- How much better/ bigger/ faster/ longer/ deeper/ crazier/ scarier yours was than mine…
- Even more so if I know you are the only one who believes it
- The minutia of your hemorrhoid surgery (You are one of mine.), childbirth (You cannot top me. Promise.) or tooth extraction (I will do it for free. Pucker up.)
- Interrupting (Truly dangerous for your teeth.)
- Changing the subject to something not remotely tangential to the topic at hand without referencing Monty Python
- Outright, bald-face, I-cannot-believe-you-said-that-out-loud lies
My truth is stranger than fiction. If I had a dollar for everyone who told me I should write a book, I would cruise the world for a month. I am not trying to impress you because if you are impressionable, you should not be listening to what I say: It may harm your tender, blossoming sense of self.
Most of all, the above STFU examples prove definitively you did not hear a word I said because you were already busy prepping your own story for adulation. Frankly, I am not so easily impressed, if ever.
Please get your head out of your bum.
Your crappy outlook is more than I can bear. I do not pity you. Truly, I am incapable. The world is a big, scary place, but you came equipped to handle it or with someone in tow who handles it for you. Likely, on at least some level, I could pity THEM, but doubt seriously I would bother as the voluntary nature of their position is probably covered in the second point: Stupidity.
Image via Wikipedia
If your life is really that wretched, do something, even if it is wrong. Do not waste my Mediterranean-fruit-fly-length attention span with your pleas for pity. You cannot deserve any because you continue to engage in behavior which exacerbates your situation only to give you more fodder for alleged conversation. Please refer back to the last point: STFU
2 more red cents,
Red.
Thank you for spending a few moments with me. I welcome your comments.
What is it (without naming names) which makes you as evil as I am when it comes to no patience?
G Devan Smith
/ November 26, 2011“I have been secretly putting bad mojo on the creamery business by making coffee which diehard blonde drinkers happily suck down black.”
Suck down black…. hehehehehehehe
annmariedwyer
/ November 26, 2011At least I admit it!
valentinelogar
/ November 26, 2011While I love it black at times (pun fully intended) I also have to have my sweet cream in coffee as it is generally the only sugar I get all day.
Ah Red, you and I we are teetering toward that point where will might hurt someones feelings. How did this occur? Two well adjusted and well brought up Southern Women having such low tolerance and unkind words for humanity?
annmariedwyer
/ November 26, 2011I like my coffee on the sweet side, but certainly no dairy. I mean, seriously, isn’t that why I eat yogurt?
My dear sister, I truly believe it is indicative of a world where people honestly believe no one exists outside their own skin. But I prefer to delude myself into believing we are of such high intellect as to find fault in those who choose to ignore the 10% of the brain which actually functions beyond the autonomous. Tehe.
I suggest we socialize with one another more. You up for coffee in the morning? Or a glass of wine tonight? *Grins hopefully*
Laurie
/ November 26, 2011I’ve been told I put that myth of the “sweet Southern Belle” to rest as a full blown lie. I am in good company. 🙂
annmariedwyer
/ November 26, 2011Why, darling, pull up a rocker here on the veranda, and I shall pour your demitasse full, my sweet. 😉
James Parsons
/ November 26, 2011Red, this definitely gave me the chuckles. I used to drink my coffee with cream but know I don’t after having your’s. It truly is the best. Still ROFL.
annmariedwyer
/ November 26, 2011Glad for the giggles. After a long week of….static, it is nice to kick back and share an inky cup with laughter. Red.
awarewriter
/ November 26, 2011Ah, the lovely roasted coffee bean, precursor to the elixir of life, roast ’em, drip ’em and sip ’em. I’ve been drinking the stuff since I was old enough to hold a coffee cup. Dyfus would have taken us from our evil mother if they only knew she allowed children to have coffee with breakfast (half milk and 2 sugars) before she sent them off to grade school. The pot was always on the stove in our house.
I learned to drink coffee straight up when I was in the Air Force. Fresh milk is one thing but out in the boonies the only thing fresh was the air. We got our milk (if you could call that stuff in the big cans milk) was delivered promptly once each year. I took one sip and swore off milk for a year. Didn’t like sugar in my coffee without the milk.
Cream turns coffee into a sticky, yucky mess. None for me thanks, I’ll have real coffee and I brew a mean pot of good coffee — frequently.
Speaking of the elixir of life, I’m headed downstairs for another glass of Merlot.
John
annmariedwyer
/ November 26, 2011McD, a man after my own heart. Pour me one while you are down there. I have foregone my (blackberry) Merlot tonight, as Val stood me up for the evening. Something about big plans…meanwhile, I popped on another pot which just finished.
Aren’t you glad we are old enough for no one to have told our mothers and grandmothers not to give us coffee? My grandmother started giving me cafe au lait in my bottle when I came home from the hospital. No wonder I drink from a vat. Frankly, if the handle was more user friendly, I would save the dish water and drink from the pot 🙂
Red.
Angela Young
/ November 26, 2011Chuckle – on so many levels – thanks for sharing.
annmariedwyer
/ November 27, 2011You are welcome. I was kinda hoping for the everyone get a cup and then spit it all over the screen by the end 😛 Thanks for staying up late, Angie! Red.
grantahelms
/ November 27, 2011Sorry Red, as much as I like your coffee, I’m a fiend for Irish Cream. Drink one for me.
grantahelms
/ November 27, 2011Me again Red. Guess I fall into category # 2. My previous comment was follow the leader.LOL. Now to answer the question, the word why. What is so hard to understand about a simple, yet direct question, that the listener,usually a child( either young or old as dirt), has to respond with WHY?. This is where my lack of patience permeates! Argh! Teenagers! Still loving it, Grant
annmariedwyer
/ November 27, 2011As in, you are in category 2 or it is your irk? Give me a 4yo asking Why? 400 times over a teenager (of any age) asking once, getting the answer and asking again…they never get it the first time! Right there with you on that one :s
grantahelms
/ November 27, 2011As in I’m category #2 for playing follow the leader.LOL
annmariedwyer
/ November 27, 2011No, I think that is more pack mentality. Stick with the safe subject….
the waiting
/ November 27, 2011Perusing your cloud, I noticed that the “coffee” tag is missing. I would LOVE to read what you have to say about that topic! 😀
annmariedwyer
/ November 27, 2011For you, I shall foray into coffee more deeply. Alas, I have talked about it so little, its tag is missing. Time to beef it up again 😉