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    • I have more than 5,000 contacts. I have more than 5,000 contacts. Laura commented on Momma's Money Matters: I like #2 for Brandon, yay! If you think he's not too brain damaged/ADD/sufficiently educated already, you could refer him to this recent post at Paltry Meanderings about how to curse correctly. http://paltrymeanderings.com/2012/03/22/i-dontwouldntcouldnt-give-a-shitflying-fuckrats-assdamn/ I don't understand why you get so much hate mail? Your readership must be in the 1,000s! March 26, 2012 15:42
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That is Debatable

The hour has come. The stupidest inbox in the blogosphere is open. Are you ready for the Friday Follies? This week’s edition is brought to you by the number 10 and the letter F. Yes, that F. Warning: Do not read this with any type of liquid in your mouth. Screen spitting is a dirty habit.

Bleeping Spambots

[expletive]

Wow! Such colorful language.

We begin with the spam honorable mention. I was seriously under the impression spambots were supposed to be complimentary or at least attempt to be cyber salesmen. For the first time, I got one with a truly foul set of circuitry.

Hi! [Expletive] interesting [expletive] site! I’m really like it! Very, very [expletive] good reading!”

Perhaps, the discount viagra drained so much blood from its owner’s big head he did not know what spambots were supposed to say on a blog rated only PG.

Elementary Math

The majority of children go to kindergarten already able to count to ten. At our house, counting to ten only happens about 47 times per day. Apparently, this fundamental math is not taught in New South Wales. Or at least not the same counting I was taught. After perusing Capture the Beast!, Jack wanted to correct my egregious errors in counting…my children.

You dont have 10 kids. You got all those animals. Sos with the pig and the dogs that would mean you only have what 3 or 4? My moms got more than that and shes old.”

Since I had no idea you lost children as you aged or that only young people of today have truck loads of children, I felt compelled to pen a response back to our counting-challenged Aussie. Tell me what you think of this…

Not kids

Dear Jack,

You are correct about one thing. I do not have ten kids. In fact, I have never owned goats, although I have had quite a few other animals in our menagerie over the years.

Based on the picture you sent to me of your mother and five adults, I am going out on a limb in assuming they are her offspring. I do need to tell you, however, she also does not have kids. Those animals in the background are alpacas.

Do you think Jack is the only one wading in the kiddie gene pool?

Can’t Get Past The Teaser

Over the last 17 weeks of Friday Follies, we have had more than our fair share of hatemailers who did not read past the first paragraph. Honestly, some never got past the titles. Hatemailing from Illinois, Brandon got tripped up on Time Suck. I was not originally sure I understood what caused him to be so [expletive] angry, but it seems I hit a nerve in the very first section, which appears to be the only one he read.

It has been a while since the first time a hatemailer vaulted me to demoness status in the 4th edition, so I suppose it was about time the horns and hooves got sharpened again. Observe the second paragraph of his hatemail.

Horns and Hooves Sharp

You have to be cold hearted [expletive] to be telling peopoe not to be doing these things. Everything on that lsit is things everybody should be doing. why would you [expletive] tell somebody not to answer their email or not to babysit their [expletive] grandkids? Just palin heartless. If you dont repent and change your weays you are going to burn in hell for all the [expletive] hateful [expletive] you write.”

Since this was a late addition to the Friday Follies, I have to ask your opinion: Which response should I send to Brandon?

A

Dear Brandon,

It should come as no shock to you my initial instinct was to not answer only your email out of the 748 messages in my inbox this morning, but I decided since there was no one to rub it in your face I had skipped only yours, I am providing a response.

It is true all of the things on the list are good, at least in the eyes of most people. However, I find time much better spent reading hatemail from readers like yourself who never once read the entire post or trip over the first polysyllabic word, crushed by the knowledge a woman may know something you do not.

Since I am certain you have already stopped reading this email to begin your response about your reading skills and in tact masculinity, I am secure in believing you will not ever know what I am about to write next. For the record, I am not a demoness. I am, however, Satan’s ex-wife. Could you tell him the alimony check is late…again?

B

Hey, Brandon,

I am with you, man. Red is one heartless [expletive]. But don’t tell her I am answering her email. She never does. And she tells all the M3 Readers she does. Good thing she has a good man with a wicked sense of humor. See you in the funny papers.

Bear.

C

Dear Hatemailer:

Your hatemail has been downgraded to spam for containing the words: [expletive], [expletive] and [expletive]. Only hatemail which proficiently uses profanity is read. M3 suggests using such words in the future as [expletive], [expletive] and [expletive][expletive].

Additionally, your hatemail has been downgraded to political solicitation for containing the words: heartless, Palin and burn in hell. The author of M3 does not believe in hearts, Republicans or hell. Based on the foregoing, no solicitations for donations are accepted at M3.

Please continue to hatemail M3 after each post.

Sincerely Disinterested,
Red.
M3

It’s all about sex.

This week we began a series on the concept of time. Over the course of researching time, I read time likened to money, a drug, a plane of existence, a river, a prison and a predator. When I penned Diamonds in the Hourglass, the first non-poetic phase of this series, I never dreamed it would be so up for interpretation. Enter Madge.

Hatemailing from Connecticut, Madge looked on the entire idea of appointments in quite a different light…a red light, not to put too fine a point on it. It seems time is only valuable when money changes hands. Oh, let’s let her explain it.

The Red light means something completely different here.

The only way you can call dates “appointments” is if you are a complete prostitute. Why don’t you just get on Craig’s list with all the rest of the hookers? Nobody’s time is that important. Especially not yours.”

Yes, I will admit it. My mouth hung agape at this one, at least until the peals of laughter emerged. Do you think I passed up this opportunity? (If you answered no, we will wait for you to read a few of the other Friday Follies, just for Reducation purposes.)

Dear Madge,

Perhaps you were unaware, but the United States prohibits prostitution with the sole exception of the state of Nevada, of which I am not a resident. No one in connection with M3 partakes in, solicits or provides prostitution services.

As to Craig’s List, the stories of prostitution rings there were greatly exaggerated, at least from what I have read. Truth be told, I have only seen the site once, and then, only over the shoulder of Bear. Incidentally, being affianced to a law enforcement officer in a microbial rural town cuts down on the opportunities for the occasional trick here and there.

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope  your week has been prostitute, expletive, goat, spam and hatemail free! Until next week’s edition of the Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, have a wonderful weekend! Don’t forget to vote on which response I should send to Brandon!


A Bit of Business: The poll closes tomorrow after the Saturday Evening Post. If you have not already, please do vote. There have been new additions to the Welcome Home page. Stop by as see what is really new and what has been finally fixed.

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy are available in The Office. 

 



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36 Comments

  1. Bear

     /  March 25, 2012

    OK #1 Jack your an idiot. I will bet your momma has a lot of ba aa aad things to say about you as a kid.

    #2 Brandon send me your email address or your home address. That’s if you can spell it, you moron, and I will show you SATAN in person. Oh and if I didn’t get my point across you’re an a..hole of the worst kind one with a computer.

    #3 Madge, I wonder how you know about Craig’s lists and hookers????? Or are you really Mark looking for a boi toy? One has to wonder how these people function in life with 1 1/2 brain cells. I thought incest was illegal. Or is it lead paint chips? Oh and by the way, for anyone that thinks I am a figment of RED’s imagination think again. I am 270lbs of pure mean! She calls me Bear for a reason, and no she didn’t pick me up naked from Craig’s list. I have to think of everything, don’t I? Now all of you go kiss your Uncle Billy ….

    Reply
  2. I like #2 for Brandon, yay! If you think he’s not too brain damaged/ADD/sufficiently educated already, you could refer him to this recent post at Paltry Meanderings about how to curse correctly. http://paltrymeanderings.com/2012/03/22/i-dontwouldntcouldnt-give-a-shitflying-fuckrats-assdamn/
    I don’t understand why you get so much hate mail? Your readership must be in the 1,000s!

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 26, 2012

      Oh, that is great!! I love referrals ;) I think Bear’s earlier addition to my draft is equally as good. Readership is mostly in the blind ;)

      Reply
  3. Wow – I’m with Laura! Judging from the volume of hate mail you must have tons-o-fan letters coming in! All well deserved, of course! This was *beep* hilarious!
    :)
    spilledinkguy recently posted..The New FivesMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 26, 2012

      I get my fair share. It is a product of having an open inbox from the first time I ever had an email address…Glad you like this one.

      Reply
  4. I have been told I would burn in hell as well. Just in case, I’m going to put you down as my roomie on the application.
    lorrelee1970 recently posted..Don’t Read This BlogMy Profile

    Reply
  5. I would never take the time to email haters back (I lack the energy to deal with such [expletive], but my personal favorite is 3. However, he’d never get it.
    Alexandra Heep recently posted..O is for OpusMy Profile

    Reply
    • I meant C, not 3, for Brandon, is my favorite. Sorry. It’s too early here yet.
      Alexandra Heep recently posted..O is for OpusMy Profile

      Reply
    • Red

       /  April 17, 2012

      You are so very right. So far, I have only gotten a handful who ever email back after I send a response. My guess, they are either confused by the answer, assume they are validated I took the time or have no idea how to answer!

      Good to see you today, Alex! I shall be around this afternoon…after a pot of coffee!

      Reply
  6. suzi

     /  April 30, 2012

    My vote for Brandon is B, primarily because A and C would challenge the computing skills of his one remaining brain cell. His spelling is so bad that I thought “palin heartless” was a new adjective, until I re-read his note, and realized he meant “plain”.
    Why are all the haters illiterate? It seems to be a theme with them.

    Reply
    • Red

       /  April 30, 2012

      Because, dear Suzi, if they could read, they would not be nearly as funny ;) Hope your trip was good, and you are tucked in at home! I will call you after I get over this ick. {HUGZ}

      Reply

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