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University Follies

Cynthia Bugsey liked this post

In restitution for missing last week, the 38th edition of the Friday Follies is a university-sized overdose from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Standard warnings apply, so drinks out of reach. This one is a giggle riot. The question Are you ready? is rhetorical. Do you have on your alma mater colors? We will wait.

Mental Alright!

As you recall, Monday week was Lizzie Cracked‘s birthday. We celebrated with a mental moment scavenger hunt. Apparently, my version of the Mental Moment met with some mental responses, but that special kind of mental we use to describe the crazies from the SIB. Meet Marty (not Feldman, but close).

Hatemailing from Washington, state not DC, Marty took issue with my description of the clerk. Apparently, he knows about such things. Observe.

You cant be talking about cashiers like that. They do hard work. How do you think people get through school without a job? When my baby-mama comes home everyday she is tired from listening to people like you whine about how expensive groceries are when she isnt the one making up and inflating the prices. You want someone to [expletive] to call that good for nothing manager who makes her work all those hours while he is sitting in the office playing angry birds.”

Thank you for having no idea whence my knowledge comes, Marty. Having retired from the mother of all grocery providers, I know a little something about the more than $100,000 worth of merchandise I rang up in my career…before I became the manager.

Marty, I feel you on this one. But you have it all wrong. It is not that worthless manager who is the problem. Yes, he may be useless, but the real problem? The computer programmers. They are getting a kickback of all the money the scanners overcharge. You know we have a chapter in Washington. Join the movement.”

One good conspiracy theory deserves another.

In the Mirror

After having been called a snob and a narcissist, oh, and various forms of demonic presences, I have rather settled into being called names. One which is not new is being the pot. The kettle hatemails from Virginia to tell me I am as black as the ace of spades. What is it that riled up Patsy? Blindness.

Of course you know what you are talking about. Experience does that to you. Sitting on your high horse telling everybody else how they not getting it right. You think you are so perfect you can tell everybody whats wrong in there live. Maybe if you were talking about making some msitakes yourself nobody wouldnt be passing judgement.”

Apparently, she was on the wrong wavelength to be tuned into where Mantra went with this one. Since she is both blind and apparently deaf, I thought I might round out the Trifecta with (grammatically) lame.

I am fairly certain you have me confused with someone else. My house is not made of glass. In fact, I really think it needs more windows. I do not use fertilizer; yet, if I did, I may well use manure because it is organic. I am not blind. I am deaf. You are correct about one thing. If I was talking about my own mistakes, someone would be passing judgment.

No, the Grammar Nazi never has a day off.

Completely False

Rare is the self-reflecting post which goes unscathed. Mine Own Worst Enemy was not rare…in the slightest. Again, I am the hateful one who is pretending I never miss the boat. How about a highlight reel?

Its not my fault the [expletive] computer system eats work.”

My boyfriend didn’t do any of that in the first place. Why you think he would be doing it now? Why would he have to do any of that just to get me to date him?”

If I don’t want to finish something that is my business. Who are you to tell me I have to finish smoething?”

Well, I suppose they told me! Here’s your chance to talk back. What shall we send to those who are the victim of everyone else’s circumstances?

Inflation

Flash in the Pan got a small number of hatemails from places where you would not expect: New York, Connecticut and California. Not to say people in those states do not complain or hate what is written on M3, but for the content of their complaints. In particular, their problem was with Desire.

No, it was not an erotic flash. No, it was not about unrequited love or lust. No, that was not their problem with it. What was?

Ice cream is not that expensive.”

Having lived in NYC, I am the first one to tell you ices are that expensive and ice cream is more expensive. As a frequent flyer at Ben & Jerry’s, Friendly’s and Baskin Robbins, yes, a double scoop most certainly is that expensive. My response?

I sent them all a coupon for a $2 single scoop!

Geology Major

If you were around to tour the Crystal Cave, you may have been able to compare your experiences physically and mentally to spelunking. For those who had never been in a cavern, it was a descriptive detour to a new environment. To those willing to get to know the spelunker, it was an eye-opening look at dreams and ideas.

One theoretical cave dweller (read Neanderthal) did not think my assessment was an accurate description of caverns in general.  Although he did take issue with my ‘tites and ‘mites (since most people confuse the two), he mostly took issue with something else entirely.

Meet Hank. He is a geology major at Indiana U. It is apparent the curriculum has little or no liberal arts program because he missed the importance of punctuation in the poem. Interesting. His hatemail shows his punctuation prowess.

first of all stalactites grow down from the ceiling… second theirs no way for stalactites and stalacmites to grow together in a persons life…it takes centuries. third you cant get crystals from stalactites cause the water washing them away…science doesnt need to cure it…sceince studies it… that is why i go to college.”

Well, obviously it was not for the English program. This is the one which held the most opportunity. Let’s get interactive.

Please observe my use of the ellipse as a literary tool, rather than the punctuation tool to which you are obviously more accustomed. Perhaps, I could refer you to a Sylvan Center to explain it to you, as I was unaware IU did not offer courses in literature or grammar. The center in Bloomington is near Sam’s Club not far from campus. I am sure they can help you understand the mechanics of the poem, and perhaps the basics of spelling, capitalization and punctuation.

Oh, like wow. So that association I learned in third grade was wrong? “Stalactites hold tite to the ceiling, and stalagmites mite reach the ceiling.” I wonder how many others have been led astray and will be doomed to calling rock formations by the wrong name. Do you think there should be a law?

When are you going to be offering cavern tours? Someone with your grasp on the formation and life of a cave will definitely be a boon to the tourism industry.

How is it people think when they pick a major they are instantly an authority in the subject?

Eureka!

Another Flash in the Pan entry hit a nerve. It appears The M3 Blog is becoming university fodder. Drum got this response from someone who is well-versed in the fine art of standardized testing. Meet Yasmin. Hatemailing from a university town in Minnesota, she was less interested in the drum as she was the setting.

You need to stop yucking on ABBADABBA. If somebody had told me about it when I was in highschool, it wouldnt’ve taken three times for me to get a high enough score on the SAT to get into colledge.”

Should I resist the urge to email her and ask which field she is in…so I can avoid it at all costs?

MAD and Late

I generally do not frown on anyone crawling through the older posts and leaving comments. The operative word is generally. Darian would be the exception. Hatemailing from Mississippi, Darian tripped over a MAD post.

Teachers get paid, get to take off three months every year and all the holidays and get awards and stuff. What else do they need? I never want to see any of my old teachers again so I sure not going to be telling them thank you for anyhting but passing me so I can get out of their classes.”

Since I could not be sure if Darian was having a problem with elementary or secondary school teachers, I needed to flip a coin. Tails won.

I think the best appreciation you could show a teacher is to pass the class and become a burden on the whole society rather than one merely on the school system. Any plans on getting out of your mother’s basement?

Or do you think there is a better one?

Pick me!

The M3 Readers know there is always a poll in the left hand sidebar. The poll about tripping at the finish line had more write in responses than there were votes for the choices offered. One hatemailer took the time to write in a response to the question Why do we trip at the finish line?

The only finish line anybody can cross is dieing.”

Not sure if I should suggest a suicide hotline or Dr. Kevorkian.

~~~~~~~~~~


I hope your week has been free of hatemail, dying, universities and cashiers. Thank you for joining me for the 38th edition of the M3 Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Until next time, have a great weekend!

What shall we send to Hank and the people who got it false?

(c) Red Dwyer 2012
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24 Comments

  1. You’ve been called ‘various forms of demonic presences’?? ! Man, you’ve got a raw hide to come out grinning all the time.

    In one of her hate mails to me (I’m gettin’ this lingo), my sister ‘Lana’ wrote me ‘It’s no wonder you had ghostly disturbances in your flat – it was your conscience trying to get through to you’. What THE?!! We weren’t even in touch at the time (one of those cut me off, have me back, cut me off times), & she claims to boil it down to a conscience. She’s not really getting much out of my story, I must say…

    YES PLEASE I’d like to harness the energy we waste running around.

    You’re a rage, Red :)
    Noeleen recently posted..I regret I must close my blog, due to an online hate-campaign against my son & me, by my eldest “sister”My Profile

    Reply
    • You must have missed the episode where I cleared the air: My official title is “Satan’s ex-wife”. I leave everyone to ponder whether that makes my ex Lucifer or me someone even Beelzebub cannot stomach ;)

      Reply
  2. Ice cream is expensive, I concur. There are only about 4,000 ice cream places here, but I avoid them all because for some reason my kids want me to feed them also.

    Darian was probably passed just to get him out of class. I wonder what occupation he has stumbled into- unemployed? I think your response looks nice and snarky.
    Derek Mansker recently posted..Jesus Christ – The Way (Week 3) – Jesus is the only answerMy Profile

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    • My children are all convinced (even the furry ones) I never buy groceries, cook or serve food. Not that you can tell by looking at any of them. So far, we have the ice cream thing under control by knowing we go once or twice a month to a restaurant where they may have ice cream.

      Reply
  3. oh yes… this double dose is double deeeelicious!!!
    And, I am 110% behind response #3, suggesting seeking employment as a cave tour guide!!!
    the name of the tour should be: ” ‘mites and ‘tites ” … hope your weekend is ending smoothly…
    hugs,

    :)
    BuddhaKat recently posted..Festival of Fractal Friday… for this week only, on Saturday!!!My Profile

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