It seems my snarky friend and fellow blogger, El Guapo, was compelled to pass something to me with glitter on it. Oh. Joy. Anyone with children who were ever under the age of five knows glitter is about the most insidious thing to attempt to remove from, well, anything. Just you wait until you see where he put it. Go look before you read further. Really.
A Pink Award
Now, even though he has received countless awards, and even one from M3, El Guapo is not the kind who is going to be accepting or handing out awards willy-nilly. He settled on the Glitter E. Yaynus award to accept and hand out to deserving blogs around the globe. Well, the English speaking portions of the globe.
You all know these awards come with some requirements. This demented pompom is no different. But guess what? He singled me out to take it up a notch. He awards this to me:
Because she will turn it into something deep and meaningful and hilarious and make me hurt myself laughing while she does it.”
Yeah, EG, no pressure.
The “I Gottas”
I must first name five things which would make people want to kill me, or hate me… a lot. This is a post I had to sit for hours trying to edit it down. Only five? You should know: I put it to a poll. Why should I do all the work?
1. Knowingly Brilliant
This goes far beyond Mensa IQ and sheepskins and motherhood. Even I know I am brilliant, especially in that glow-in-the-dark way which makes nighttime hide-and-seek a real buzz kill.
I am an encyclopedic fount of excruciating minutia, a veritable cornucopia of pusillanimous trivia. No, I am not conceited… I am convinced.
And just because I am smarter than you does not mean I have to make you feel like a rube, but… I can. If you insist on your stupidity, I shall. I would then lay odds you will fall to one of the hates which follow.
Being an erudite bon vivant, I wield vocabulary which intentionally obfuscates the overt message while simultaneously administering a lethal dose of sarcasm masked by an anesthetic effect making the recipient believe I have been either complimentary or supportive… or both.
I sat behind a boy named Tat-Shing in calculus my junior year in high school. He used to wake me up on exam days, so I could borrow a pencil. The professor refused to grade exams written in pen. We called him the human tranquilizer.
He accused me of cheating for finishing an exam in seven minutes. He graded it on the spot and took off his customary three points for my failing to show any of my work. End result, I scored a 97. His theory was the class would take the test in nine times more minutes than he took to take it. Since it took him five minutes to take the test, the class should have taken 45 minutes to complete the exam; ergo, for me to take it in seven minutes, I had to have cheated. My response:
The way I see it, you cheated. I did not have the questions in advance.”
The disciplinarian thought it was hysterical. He was a calculus teacher with a multiplication problem instead of an algorithm, and I was the pedantic one. Arrogance is such an ugly characteristic when you are not stellar.
4. Unapologetic About Unrequited Attraction
Just because you think I am attractive does not in any way, shape or form require me to find you palatable. This applies equally to physical beauty, character, intelligence and the sexual hormones making you salivate on my sleeve. No, I am not sorry you are a malformed, mouth-breathing, bigot who cannot walk through a door sideways. Nor am I sorry I cannot abide more than six seconds in the same hemisphere with you.
5. I can be ready in three minutes.
This will only apply to the ladies in the crowd, as most men find a woman refreshing if she can be ready in less than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, can go from asleep to this:
…in three minutes. Be warned though: I go from asleep to bitch in 0.0024 seconds… and the button sticks… don’t push it.
“List 5 things that I would stick up my ass if forced to. (Because that is the only way it’s going up there).”
- Your brain. It would be a family reunion.
- Your attitude. See number one.
- Your outlook. See number two.
- Money. My children believe it is where $100 bills are pressed.
- A bullhorn. Because my ass talking makes more sense than your 45-minute dissertation.
“Run across a freeway blindfolded.”
Is nude close enough?
“Pick a Prom Court.”
Please accept your award, replete with
enema bag scepter.
Let’s cut the CRAP!
I would be remiss in my duties for not awarding this award to this blog.
Articles of Absurdity
Lorre scrapes crap off her shoe as a hobby. This is right up her alley.
Barking In the Dark
I am sure his mother’s Mah Jongg group will be on hand to help him receive it.
Yo-Yo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division
Since she ignored the last one I gave her, this one is a shoe in for the royal treatment.
And now for my favorite song about asses. Enjoy!
© Red Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on The M3 Blog is expressly forbidden.
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