I am too ill to be able to wrap my brain around what has occurred. Clyde will not make an appearance tonight. The wind is cold. So is my soul.
Quaint came to me to say the only solution was suicide.
Suicide happens to be on my cannot abide list. In my 2/3 of a lifetime, I have talked more than a handful off the ledge. My success rate must have been tied to modus operandum.
In the past, the suicides I was able to thwart were of traditional means: overdose, poison, carbon monoxide, gun, exsanguination, fall, motor vehicle. Each very simple mode of death was set with a finite path and relatively easy to predict time frame. The window of opportunity was framed.
Quaint has not chosen a simple mode of death.
The proliferation of contributing causes is exacerbated by everyday living, especially the lifestyle and career Quaint engages. The combination of health conditions and mental barrage of stressors equates without deviation to a casket.
What’s the rub?
We all end up in some variant on the theme of a casket. Not all of us are heaping coal into the locomotive’s engine. Quaint is.
Any of a large number of choices would circumvent the expedited conclusion. Even one good choice will make a difference. Quaint says no.
Why?
Excuse. Fear. Excuse. Pride. Excuse. Fear. Excuse.
Standard fare in this case is to ravel the excuses from being large un-Boy Scout knots into easy to roll (or cut) strings. Done. No sooner than one is done, another one is presented.
Pride? Yes, Quaint is too proud to take help, even in the form of information. Again, why?
Fear.
Fear of truth: Being faced with a situation which is a direct result of your own bad behavior and bad choices and having someone who had no hand in making the choice point out the truth.
Fear of responsibility: Taking ownership of both bad behavior and bad choices, especially when a third party has pointed them out, and knowing that ownership will require you to stop said bad behavior.
Fear of the unknown: The cure for the fear of the unknown is to know.
Fear of knowing: Finding out may mean you are really the reason for the situation’s dire nature.
Fear of change: Once you know it is your doing, you have to stop doing it.
Fear of failure: You may not change to the right thing the first time.
Fear of judgment: Owning your bad behavior means admitting those who judged you may have had probable cause.
Fear of belief: Admitting you did not uphold the beliefs you held out.
Fear of labels: Someone may think your bad behavior is untoward, and you will not have the chutzpah to prove you are not accurately characterized by your bad behavior.
Fear of trying: It is easier to do nothing than attempt something which may fail.
Failure
No matter how I may try, I can never force someone to do something they are unwilling to attempt.
In this case, what I failed to do was convince Quaint to take any one of the myriad choices available to derail the train.
Tonight, I am ill, both heartsick and physically ill, knowing someone I would give the world on a string is resigned to suicide.
Sue Dreamwalker
/ February 24, 2013Red not being fully aware of this whole situation I can only say from a view point of a support worker who supports individuals who cause themselves self-harm. They do not use the rational thoughts as you or I do. My heart goes out to you in your pain much love X
Sue Dreamwalker recently posted..Feeling Excited and Ready
Red
/ February 28, 2013For me, the knots are the irrational thoughts. It is so hard to see someone who has responsibility and a family be in this place. <3 xxx
prenin
/ February 24, 2013I’m so sorry Red! 🙁
Having experience both supporting Doug who uses his threats of suicide as a fantasy to having attempted to take my own life when I couldn’t go on I DO understand how you must feel!
I don’t know what help is available to you in the USA, but is there anyone you can contact for an intervention?
You’ve got me worried hun! 🙁
Love and hugs always!
Prenin.
Red
/ February 28, 2013Intervention here is limited. Only direct family can step in and then only in certain circumstances. The law and the healthcare are only reactionary, not proactive.
BuddhaKat
/ February 24, 2013Oh Red… your anguish is palpable. Unfortunately, unconditional love dictates acceptance, when decisions made are not the best, the most logical, not even tainted by logic.
I send you unconditional love to wrap yourself in for protection from the pain, which you will, or know you may/must endure.
Nothing is over, until it’s over, Red.
We all love you – your strength and will and heart and your own fear of failure, which are ours as well.
Peace, Red.
Janet
BuddhaKat recently posted..Let’s Just Call It a Friday Fractal Feature…
Red
/ February 28, 2013Janet, my fear is merely one of the pain others will endure. I can only be steadfast in my support. Beyond that, I can do nothing. I do appreciate the love and support from the many who have shared it. <3 xxx
nadine sellers
/ February 24, 2013as it takes large amounts of energy to pull out of despair and into functional living, may i send tenderness and courage to both sides of the psychological abyss.
that pain slowly recedes into wellness and strength replaces fragile moments. this is my tender thought for all who hurt in this sadness.
nadine sellers recently posted..Happiness is Here to Stay.
Red
/ February 28, 2013It is the tenuous first step which is the hardest to take. One cannot soar until one leaps from the cliff.
H.E. Ellis
/ February 24, 2013Oh Red, I am so, so sorry.
Not long ago I struggled with feeling like I had no option but to end it all. The odd thing was that in the midst of it I didn’t know that’s what I was contemplating. Sometimes you can get so lost in your head you don’t trust a way out, even when it is shown to you.
My wish for Quaint and you is peace.
Red
/ February 28, 2013Thank you, HE. It is a similar situation where I do not believe Quaint realized the path’s destination. Peace is welcomed. xxx
Noeleen
/ February 24, 2013Nelle, how I am sorry. I didn’t know you are that close to this subject. You must understand, then, how I feel that Daniel literally – physically, literally, saved my life. Yes, there were repercussions (I tried again when I woke up, was released and found the next day would be Monday… again) – the repercussions, oh, how I hurt him by my act,
but yes, you know the deal close up and personal.
You should be glad to have talked people off the ledge – never knew this of you, Red. You are an amazing woman, human being.
Hope you have the rest you need. Sleep tight.
Red
/ February 28, 2013I know it is unfair to tell Quaint of the heartache others would feel. It heaps more bad feelings where there is already far too much disappointment. I would never allow someone to commit suicide as long as I have the power to continue to fight it. It is always such a waste of a beautiful soul.
Binky
/ February 24, 2013Obviously it’s a very difficult situation with no easy solution. You cannot make someone do much of anything if you can’t convince them of the flaws of their thinking. Life is often not easy or fun, but it’s the only thing we have, and through it is the only way we can achieve anything of meaning.
Binky recently posted..English as a Second Language
Bearman Cartoons
/ February 25, 2013Life is hard…but having fun at any level is still easy and cheap.
Bearman Cartoons recently posted..Klingon Cling-Ons
Red
/ February 28, 2013Aye, but with the unwilling it is challenging.
Red
/ February 28, 2013That is why my method is always one of small successes. We all have them if we are willing to embrace them.
Tess Kann
/ February 25, 2013I’m so sorry to hear about your heartache, Red. Nothing I say will alter anything, but please know I am rooting for both of you. My positive thoughts are all I can give in support.
Red
/ February 28, 2013And those are worth gold, Tess. xxx
Tess Kann
/ February 25, 2013I’m so sorry to hear about your heartache, Red. Nothing I say will alter anything, but please know I am rooting for both of you. My positive thoughts are all I can offer in support.
I have more than 5,000 contacts. on Facebook
/ February 25, 2013Tess Kann commented on The M3 Blog:
I’m so sorry to hear about your heartache, Red. Nothing I say will alter anything, but please know I am rooting for both of you. My positive thoughts are all I can offer in support.