The stupidest inbox in the blogosphere held (more than one) email from the largest web host on the planet. We are going to venture into why this is the largest misnomer, other corporate shenanigans and Red’s typical response to it all. Take your Dramamine, put the drink out of the way and let’s get the 43th edition of the M3 Friday Follies underway.

Itinerary

As most of you know, I have been engaging in the one thing I despise more than any other activity on the Internet: Coding. Despite bumps in the road, which I expected, I was in a position to upload the forum so it could enter beta. For those who know, it was time to ping the FTP client (not to be confused with the stupendous institution of M3’s FTP) and get the files where I could start the test drive.

No Connection

The most dreaded thing you can ever see from your host is a screen proudly decrying you have no connection. While when surfing the net, no connection is most often a matter for your ISP (Internet service provider); when you get it working in the backend of a website, it is your host’s problem.

This is where most M3 Readers would believe I am going to rant about Verizon’s stellar services. Incorrect. Enter No Daddy.

The FTP client was clear:

Connection established.
Source directory populated.
Connection timed out.
Failed to retrieve directory listing.

No Verizon was doing its job. Go Daddy, on the other hand was not.

Avenue B

Since the primary path (Filezilla) was not going to work, I tried going through the über slow front door: Go Daddy’s onsite FTP client. One would think with servers capable of handling bandwidth for more than 45 million websites Go Daddy would have an up-to-date certificate on their Java application which (slowly) handles files onto the FTP server. Wrong.

When their own application authenticated my presence as a known FTP user, but failed to populate their end of the client, a telephone call was in order. I feared it would be handled as well as the last one. I was wrong.

Can you hold on for just…

After identifying myself as clearly the owner of said account, my chipper CSR listened to the problem explained above. The words he understood were:

• FTP
• Error
• Certificate

Apparently, the only other word I used in the explanation was blahblahblah.

After much key clacking, I was asked to hold and placed there without getting to lodge my normal request for no on hold music. (6 minutes)

Break out the punch cards…

Since it was apparent to CSR, I was not being authenticated properly, he asked something which would have made me drop the tele had he not been on speaker phone.

Do you have an extra Internet Explorer window you can use?”

Incredulous, I informed him I would need to locate the program and possibly install a patch, as, although it came onboard my machine, it had only ever been used to download a real browser. In fact, I prefer a browser with speed, reliability and no likelihood of reporting my browsing history to Microscrewedsoft.

Enter ftp.webaddress.com.”

Now, I have been using browsers a long time. This protocol was appropriate approximately 15 years ago. Browsers have gotten smarter. When you fail to use an http:// or ftp:// protocol, the browser appends it. (Sending you to the wrong address if you input what Mr. Reading-the-Cue-Card said.)

When I informed him his request was invalid (and explained the last two sentences above — 7 minutes), he needed the error number I got. FACEPALM Could I hold? (9 minutes)

Can you send me a screen shot?

Oh, by all means. What is your email address? In less than 60 seconds, I had:

• shot the screen.
• trimmed the portions which were none of his business.
• attached it to an email.
• pressed send.

Four minutes later, he still did not have it. Resend. Of course, I am neglecting the question as to whether I typed his email address properly. Still no email.

Can you read me the error screen?”

[Let’s see: 2 degrees, 10 children, 4.7 million bedtime stories, 5 books, 37th website built, 7 browsers and nearly 25 years on the net. Duh. I can read an IE screen.]

Now, since I have already told him it was not an error screen, but a failure to display screen, I want to smack him. I read how IE9 cannot display the page because I am not on the Internet, the website is down, DNS failed or the DNS is routing incorrectly. “Can you hold?”

No. You get with whomever knows how websites work and call me back. I cannot endure one more minute of that abomination masquerading as music.

Breaking the Code

I have to love when a lie is revealed.

I cannot keep your account open unless you’re still on the phone.”

You may not know this, but CSR are advised to tell clients they cannot access their files as a matter of security. (12 minutes)

Can you reach a command prompt?”

[Why yes, even typing with my hooves.] Certainly. What would you like me to ping?

ftp.webaddress.com”

I read the screen to him as the packets failed. One. Two. Three. All four of them. For 100% loss.

Did you type it in correctly?”

At this point, I read him the screen one character at a time. The IP address I read to him, which is my primary IP (which is correct, in case you are wondering) tripped him up.

It should be bringing you to another IP address. Can you ping 173.xxx.xxx.27?”

[I think I can do that with my tail.] Certainly. All four packets returned with an average time of 171 ms. What do you think he said? 17 excruciating minutes of on-hold alleged music.

Who did what?

CSR returns to the conversation, pleased with himself, to announce:

When your certificate expired…”

No, my certificate is not expired. It is brand new. The expired certificate is on your Java app.

Oh, what I meant to say was… When you activated your certificate, you pointed to the wrong IP address.”

No, when Go Daddy activated the certificate, Go Daddy pointed it at the incorrect IP address. Nowhere in the activation app is there a user interface which allows for the input of an IP address, as the buying screen assigns the certificate to the domain and the IP for the dedicated server. Not the user.

Well, you…”

Is it Go Daddy’s official stance that a breakdown in their software is the client’s, namely my, fault?

That is not what I meant to say.”

Perhaps, you should think before you speak.

@ Server

Now, all of this is a two-second fix (with up to 48 hours to propagate) which was Mr. Cue-Card’s answer to “my” problem was something any monkey can do. As Southern Belle as I could manage, I asked the dreaded question:

What caused it to change, as I have not changed the @ server since I moved the domain?”

[Insert sound which resembles choking on a quart of oysters.] I added, “I will not hold.”

Brain surgeon went on to discuss how the single html file which placed an image on the site’s page as a placeholder (which was not a screaming spamination of Go Daddy ads) was what changed the server, you see, “it is not compatible with all of your parameters.”

Where is that disclosed in your sales media? There are no support documents other than installation steps, and nothing exists on your site or off which denotes possible incompatibility in hosting and html.”

Hold down the laughter. (Even if I had a hard time keeping a straight face.) He truly did not understand how ludicrous it was to have an server side uploader fail because of a single asset html photo display file (with a single css sheet and one [count them, ONE] photo) already contained in the FTP host.

Baldness

Rather than explain to him his complete lack of anything resembling web knowledge, I ended the call and rushed off to complete the…wait for it…

Customer Service Satisfaction Survey

he had emailed during the call. After all zeroes, the email attached to the survey, which mistakenly asked yours truly how they could improve, said:

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Go Daddy should train CSR to admit when software on Go Daddy’s side is at fault instead of blaming the customer. Today, I called for an FTP failure. In fact, the problem was with your certificate issuance protocol and the Instant Page installed. Apparently, the two conflict. Through no fault of mine, the certificate was issued to one IP address when it should have been issued to another. Since I had no control over what IP address was chosen for the certificate, this was not, I repeat, not my fault.

Your CSR made three attempts to explain the issue to me in a way which issued blame to me, rather than Go Daddy. Further, through misinformation or a dire lack of understanding of web building, the CSR attempted to explain the problem in terms of Internet browsing. The information was false. I called him on it, as I did each time his information was incorrect, by mistake or design.

Please give the CSR an option to turn off that abominable hold music cycle. When customers are forced to listen to the loop more than a dozen times in one call, it does not make for amenable conversation. More than 40 minutes on hold so the CSR could consult other departments without the option to have Go Daddy figure out what is wrong and call back with a solution is taxing. The call took over 55 minutes, with fewer than 15 of it on the line with the CSR.

Never once during the call was it addressed that the Java certificate issued to Go Daddy’s FTP registers is out of date. My security prompted me to ask if I trusted Go Daddy with information on my computer. I should have told it no.

The fact the CSR could not receive email from me was yet another issue. I am looking forward to the ends of my contracts with Go Daddy and regret paying for a year of service in advance. Yet again, Go Daddy has proved once they have your money, they are not interested in you any longer.

I sincerely hope the bot which receives this survey does more than collate the numbers. I am certainly part of the 0.01%.

Perseverance

No, the issue was not resolved. I spent another hour and an half on the telephone with another CSR who nearly lost it when I told him I needed to upload 7,580 files to the site. He had flippantly suggested I upload it one file at a time and did not get my Follies-typical remark of “Kits, cats, sacks, wives. I am not coming from St. Ives.” I did not bother to blow what was left of his mind with the 1,307 folders I would have to create to move said 7,580 files.

Time is valuable.

In the intervening 17 hours since I got off the telephone with No Daddy, I have managed to Java load approximately 2/3 of the files. Did I happen to mention, the upload this way (even if it only takes one second per file, which it does not) will take in excess of 24 hours? Oh, and needs continuous connection. Oh, and your computer cannot go to sleep. Oh, and GD has a three hour auto-shutoff valve to prevent hacking a secure server with encryption and dual authentication. Oh, and, wait, no.

We are going to disparage the name of Java in another post. Now, I have to babysit the uploader (some more) before I can begin the manual recursive search through 1,307 folders to ensure 7,580 files were uploaded. Did I happen to mention I have already found more than 160 it has skipped? I know I already mentioned there was more than one email from No Daddy. Those will have to wait for another edition of the M3 Friday Follies.

I think an intravenous bottle of tequila would be almost as good a prescription as sending Clyde to do Go Daddy customer service training seminars.

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been free of hatemail, CSR, No Daddy, Java and FTP errors. From the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, thank you for joining me for the 43rd edition of the M3 Friday Follies.

Can someone tell me how much postage I need to mail Clyde to Go Daddy?

When you tweet and +1 this post, please use the hashtags #customerserviceisdead, #godaddy and #humor.

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