Statistical Follies

For the 44th edition of the Friday Follies, we are opening the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere for the first Friday of M3’s second year. Put your drink out of reach, this one is a mixed breed doozy.

Nekkid Cruelty

Normally, when I have nothing to say, I get no hatemail. *sigh* Not this time. Our first contestant hails from Sweden. Judit hatemails about nudity.

How could you do that to those poor animals. Someone should have them taken away from you! There should be a law against that.”

Genetic differences? Really? In true, Friday Follies fashion, I chose to answer this hatemail.

The only laws against photographing animals are those which involve humans and bestiality. I can imagine the owners of Teh Kittehs are not on your holiday card list either. Perhaps, you can lead the campaign to breed hair onto them.

Goodness knows, we need them all to be exactly the same.

Wrong Wombies

I have never been a traditionalist, especially when it comes to celebrating. For Christmas, we barbecue. Easter? I like alligator and red snapper. So, when it came to Wombat Day, we had traditional Wombie food instead of traditional human-on-Wombat-Day food.

Willem hatemails from New South Wales to tell me about how I got it all wrong.

Everything I can find on this “Wombat Day” says you have to have chocolate cake. What gives with the pancakes? Are you just cashing in on people looking for real information?”

I took the black hat off my horns for this one.

I will have you know, my Wombies have a rare allergy to baking powder and cannot have traditional cake like all the other Wombat Day celebrants. Would you break their little hearts by denying them their celebration? How cruel are you?

Perhaps, he should have read the Wombat Day page. Sheesh.

Domestic Discord

I am the first one to admit:

I am more than certain Shonda did not know that when she hatemailed from Ohio. She took issue with Mantra’s idea of human exercise.

You are the only one who wastes money on equipment they never use. If you would get your fat [expletive] out of the house and move around more you would not be a lazy fat slob who dirties their exercise equipment iwth dirty clothes.”

My housekeeper was duly offended by her “slob” remark. Me? Not so much. *grin*

Frankly, Shonda, exercise equipment is for those who do not know how to control what goes in their mouths or, in your case, what comes out. My children enjoy the equipment I bought for their physical education, but I will wait until I get out of a size six before I partake. Six was hard to get to from a four. I let myself go after the children, you see.

Can anyone else smell Cheetos?

Sexist

Mantra came under fire for Destoyer as well. Hatemailing from the enlightened state of misogynistic ineptitude Oklahoma (capital of divorces) comes Bruce.

You could not be any more full of [expletive] unless you were eating it. Everyone knows women cannot be on ships. They stay in the ports to do their service where it is needed.”

Oh, really?

Since you live in a landlocked state, I can see where your exposure to women in the Navy would be limited. I know communication there must still arrive by Pony Express. Women have held the rank of admiral only since 1972, so it may still be a new fangled notion to you. I know forty years is such a short time to get used to such jarring news. By the way, are the women at the truck stop by your house like the port women of which you speak?

Testosterone poisoning is such a sad affliction.

Customer Non-Service

Someone should really tell No Daddy to stop sending Friday Follies email to customers. Their newest SIB entry was a lovely, supportive piece of spin news saying they were discontinuing the analytic service I use from them. I am not surprised. They offer in its place their own version of the program. What a blogoversary present.

I declined their version initially because it is a Javascript which requires code on …every stinking page. How many ways can I say [expletive laden comment redacted]?

Apparently, they have figured out how to access the Apache stats their servers collect to produce a report. Want to see what their stellar service shows for the Blogoversary?

I am supposed to believe only 155 people visited M3 on the blogoversary. No Daddy has no metrics which reveal more people than that commented that day. Is it possible to give negative stars?

No Help. I got it.

Only in writing is promoting one’s work considered “self-promotion”. I say PFT! Hence, I posted Please Help. Hatemailing from New Jersey, our next contestant is one disturbed Donna.

I hope good reads stops selling your book. How can they not find out you are blatantly cheating? It has to be against the rules for you to tell people to vote for you. Someone should do something about this.”

Let’s get interactive!

Oh, I have to get on Goodreads and make sure they are sending royalties. How sneaky of them to be selling books and not telling the authors or the public. Do you really think they have stolen all the manuscripts and are printing them? Have you bought one from them? Would you consider doing a review of their service?

Shh! You have to keep this quiet. I am only telling the 50,000 or so people who will see the post and the ones who are tweeting it to their Tweeps and then, of course, the Facebook crowd. Oh, and the G+ people and all the other social media. How could anyone possibly find out?

I nominate you! Since there is not a direct email address for complaints on Goodreads, why don’t you just tell everyone on your social media about it? Use this URL: Please Help!

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Do you think Donna will understand any of these?

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I hope your week has been free of hatemail, misogynists, cheaters and nudity. From the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, thank you for joining me for the 44th edition of the M3 Friday Follies! Have a terrific weekend!

What shall we send to Donna?

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