It is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, since it is bursting at the rivets. Buckle up for 25th edition of the Friday Follies. Stow your drink out of reach. Your program will begin as soon as everyone returns from the restroom and is seated. Silence is neither required nor suggested.
Despite the obvious genetic characteristics I have passed to my children, and the renown I have around the globe for my uberity, rare is the occasion I show them in virtual public without the doubters teeming like sharks in a gutting tank.
Meet Jerome. Hatemailing from Utah (hold the jokes until you read this), he feels something is amiss with Mother’s Day Reasons.
You can’t claim every kid you ever took a picture of as yours. Nobody has that many kids these days. How much did you pay that family to stand together? They have cute kids, but there’s no way those are all yours.”
Now, give the name of M3 and the overwhelming penchant of saving money, the thought of paying someone to pose as anything makes my eye twitch. In this particular post, there was even a savings of words. Complete bargain basement post. What did I scrape together for Jerome?
Since you are from Utah, I would have thought by now you would have encountered at least one practicing family from the Church of Latter Day Saints, commonly referred to as Mormons. I have just over their average number of children per family. Typically, Mormons have eight. Catholics are closely following them with an average of five.
Not sure how they got their God’s signals crossed on the go forth and populate the Earth scripture, but where I come from, anything less than eight means you obviously have central heat and/or satellite television. I think I need to buy the rights to Johnny Carson’s syndication. By far, it was the least controversial form of birth control.
You are right about one thing, though. The men in the wedding photographs are not my children. The law still frowns heavily on marrying closer than cousins.
Cruel & Unusual
Of the hundreds of phrases uttered to describe me, I lay claim to Cruel & Unusual with more alacrity than any other. My forms of communication and discipline are novel, even if my standard babysitting kit includes duct tape, a staple gun and Velcro.
Meet Carl. Hatemailing from New Brunswick, Carl seems to think What Momma Says is both cruel and unusual. Behold his ode to the F-bomb. I hope you can still understand with the curse words removed.
You are one [expletive] sick [expletive]! People who beats their [expletive] children needs to [expletive] be thrown under the [expletive] jail to rot and die. Why you gonna [expletive] beat those precious babies until your sick [expletive] [expletive] FEELS BETTER???!!! CPS needs to be called to your [expletive] trailer park and take all those babies away from your mother [expletive] [expletive] [expletive].”
Tears. This one literally brought tears to my eyes…and a sharp pain to my side. At least I had swallowed the coffee before I read it.
Some of the M3 Readers may not know my most popular piece I have ever written. It is not on M3. It has been used as a reference in more than 100 articles and three television programs on educational television. It held the number one Google search result for four consecutive years.
My horns grew three inches whilst I typed the response.
Perhaps, you should have looked at the pictures in the post before this one to see most of my children are adults. Needless to say, they lived. What you really need to do is invest in good tools which do not leave marks. That way, the spanking is just between you and the child. No silly government interference. Let those bleeding hearts live with the monsters for a while.
The last time CPS was here, I made that woman cry. She really needed better manners.
Thought you might like to know, most people do not rot until after they die.
And for the record…all of my girlfriends were childless.
Want to lay odds he responds asking for pictures?
Please Sit Down
Back before the A to Z Challenge, we began working on what was destined to become a series, or regular feature, Blogging Basics and Marketing. After reading far too many blogs which all say the same thing, yet never once tell you what to avoid, I decided to share what I have learned in the UHK.
Meet Fabian. Hatemailing from New York, he has a problem with the content of Time to Sit Up. It seems he was in the market for some different advice.
WTF? I though you were going to be giving advice on how to make a successful blog. WTF is this? You don’t explain anything. Why aren’t you telling people to how to research keywords like all the good blogs do? Don’t you know anything about blogging? Judging from this, I guess not.”
Let’s get interactive. You tell Fabian what you think.
Put Your Behind In Your Past” ~ Pumba
There were only a few of the M3 Readers who defected during the A to Z. The hatemailers proliferated. Is it any wonder Friday Follies is going to feature one more?
Meet Trisha. Her hatemail arrives from the Ontario. Apparently, she did learn something.
I think everybody who visits this blog learned something during that god-forsaken challenge. They learned you are an insufferable [expletive] who thinks she knows everything. You insulted everyone I shared your posts with. All of them think you should have your therapist’s license revoked. Not everything is your fault you know. Parents [expletive] up most people. Prolly tho, you are only writing about yourself.”
Thank you for your hatemail to M3. Red is currently busy assisting those who actually need or desire her advice or guidance. M3’s policies on advice and disclaimers are listed in The Office. If you are in need of medical or psychiatric assistance, please dial 911 (if you are in a country which supports this system) or contact your nearest hospital. Only licensed practitioners should treat the mentally ill.
Please feel free to use the Ask Momma contact form if you have a question for Red. Thank you again, for contacting M3. Your continued support is appreciated.
You are right, Trisha. Not everything is my fault. I recognized that years ago. It has been an integral part of my continued positive outlook. I do have to disagree on one point, though. Parents do not [expletive] up most children. On the contrary,
I have been saying it for years…It makes me ill someone needs a license to drive a car, but not to bring a human into the world. You would think by now the PTB would get over themselves and their idiocy so schools could teach psychology classes to twelve-year-olds when they learn how to breed.
Save yourself and never have children. They cause all sorts of mental illness. At least, they cause all the ones they do not already have.
You have my curiosity piqued. Are you the one who shared M3 with the Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences? I adore their newsletter.
For those who are not in Canada, the OSCMHS is the name for the center which replaced the Ontario Hospital for the Insane.
It seems [expletive] was the word this week. It was used as an adjective, noun, verb and adverb in the hatemail. What arrived from Sussex was no different. Apparently, Ron was outraged by Alphabet Soup. Please peruse his command of the native tongue of England.
you gotta be [expletive]ing [expletive]ing me. who the [expletive] talks like that? this [expletive]ing blog needs a mother [expletive]ing warning…if you hadnt got to grade 14 dont bother to try to read this [expletive]ing [expletive]. nobody [expletive]ing understands this [expletive] and your not empressing [expletive]ing nobody by tryingto use [expletive] words nobody never heard of before. just [expletive] talk [expletive] english like every [expletive]ing body else you stupid [expletive]”
I suppose he told me. Yes, the wicked grin spread wide for this one.
You apparent umbrage to my use of the Queen’s English is duly noted; however, I am compelled to inform you the use of profanity is not supported on M3. Your incessant use of the word [expletive] is obfuscating your points. If you were to choose polysyllabic words of varied length, your letter would carry a meter which is more palatable. As it remains, your tenor and tone leave much to be desired.
Ultimately, such letters fail to convey their intent whilst leaving the reader with the distinct impression your lineage could be traced through the genus asinus.
Perhaps, I could refer you to a tutor who would be versed in the art of writing in your native tongue.
I failed to send the corresponding picture of his alleged parent:
I sincerely hope your week has been free of hatemail, asses, the truly insane, spankings (unless you like that sort of thing) and other people’s children. From the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, thank you for joining me for the 25th edition of the Friday Follies. Pen me a response to send to Fabian and tell me which response we should send to Trisha. Happy Friday!
(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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