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Penny Postage

It is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, since it is bursting at the rivets. Buckle up for 25th edition of the Friday Follies. Stow your drink out of reach. Your program will begin as soon as everyone returns from the restroom and is seated. Silence is neither required nor suggested.

Rent-a-Progeny

Despite the obvious genetic characteristics I have passed to my children, and the renown I have around the globe for my uberity, rare is the occasion I show them in virtual public without the doubters teeming like sharks in a gutting tank.

Meet Jerome. Hatemailing from Utah (hold the jokes until you read this), he feels something is amiss with Mother’s Day Reasons.

You can’t claim every kid you ever took a picture of as yours. Nobody has that many kids these days. How much did you pay that family to stand together? They have cute kids, but there’s no way those are all yours.”

Now, give the name of M3 and the overwhelming penchant of saving money, the thought of paying someone to pose as anything makes my eye twitch. In this particular post, there was even a savings of words. Complete bargain basement post. What did I scrape together for Jerome?

It is just a little place downtown.

Since you are from Utah, I would have thought by now you would have encountered at least one practicing family from the Church of Latter Day Saints, commonly referred to as Mormons. I have just over their average number of children per family. Typically, Mormons have eight. Catholics are closely following them with an average of five.

Not sure how they got their God’s signals crossed on the go forth and populate the Earth scripture, but where I come from, anything less than eight means you obviously have central heat and/or satellite television. I think I need to buy the rights to Johnny Carson’s syndication. By far, it was the least controversial form of birth control.

You are right about one thing, though. The men in the wedding photographs are not my children. The law still frowns heavily on marrying closer than cousins.

Cruel & Unusual

Of the hundreds of phrases uttered to describe me, I lay claim to Cruel & Unusual with more alacrity than any other. My forms of communication and discipline are novel, even if my standard babysitting kit includes duct tape, a staple gun and Velcro.

Meet Carl. Hatemailing from New Brunswick, Carl seems to think What Momma Says is both cruel and unusual. Behold his ode to the F-bomb. I hope you can still understand with the curse words removed.

You are one [expletive] sick [expletive]! People who beats their [expletive] children needs to [expletive] be thrown under the [expletive] jail to rot and die. Why you gonna [expletive] beat those precious babies until your sick [expletive] [expletive] FEELS BETTER???!!! CPS needs to be called to your [expletive] trailer park and take all those babies away from your mother [expletive] [expletive] [expletive].”

Tears. This one literally brought tears to my eyes…and a sharp pain to my side. At least I had swallowed the coffee before I read it.

Some of the M3 Readers may not know my most popular piece I have ever written. It is not on M3. It has been used as a reference in more than 100 articles and three television programs on educational television. It held the number one Google search result for four consecutive years.

My horns grew three inches whilst I typed the response.

When only the best will do. Oak.

Perhaps, you should have looked at the pictures in the post before this one to see most of my children are adults. Needless to say, they lived. What you really need to do is invest in good tools which do not leave marks. That way, the spanking is just between you and the child. No silly government interference. Let those bleeding hearts live with the monsters for a while.

The last time CPS was here, I made that woman cry. She really needed better manners.

Thought you might like to know, most people do not rot until after they die.

And for the record…all of my girlfriends were childless.

Want to lay odds he responds asking for pictures?

Please Sit Down

Back before the A to Z Challenge, we began working on what was destined to become a series, or regular feature, Blogging Basics and Marketing. After reading far too many blogs which all say the same thing, yet never once tell you what to avoid, I decided to share what I have learned in the UHK.

Meet Fabian. Hatemailing from New York, he has a problem with the content of Time to Sit Up. It seems he was in the market for some different advice.

WTF? I though you were going to be giving advice on how to make a successful blog. WTF is this? You don’t explain anything. Why aren’t you telling people to how to research keywords like all the good blogs do? Don’t you know anything about blogging? Judging from this, I guess not.”

Let’s get interactive. You tell Fabian what you think.

Put Your Behind In Your Past” ~ Pumba

There were only a few of the M3 Readers who defected during the A to Z. The hatemailers proliferated. Is it any wonder Friday Follies is going to feature one more?

Meet Trisha. Her hatemail arrives from the Ontario. Apparently, she did learn something.

I think everybody who visits this blog learned something during that god-forsaken challenge. They learned you are an insufferable [expletive] who thinks she knows everything. You insulted everyone I shared your posts with. All of them think you should have your therapist’s license revoked. Not everything is your fault you know. Parents [expletive] up most people. Prolly tho, you are only writing about yourself.”

Time to vote. This one sent me clearly around the bend. I had more responses than I could manage, so you get to choose which one I send to Trisha.

Thank you for your hatemail to M3. Red is currently busy assisting those who actually need or desire her advice or guidance. M3′s policies on advice and disclaimers are listed in The Office. If you are in need of medical or psychiatric assistance, please dial 911 (if you are in a country which supports this system) or contact your nearest hospital. Only licensed practitioners should treat the mentally ill.

Please feel free to use the Ask Momma contact form if you have a question for Red. Thank you again, for contacting M3. Your continued support is appreciated.

~~~~~

TWOYou are right, Trisha. Not everything is my fault. I recognized that years ago. It has been an integral part of my continued positive outlook. I do have to disagree on one point, though. Parents do not [expletive] up most children. On the contrary,

~~~~~

THREE

 I have been saying it for years…It makes me ill someone needs a license to drive a car, but not to bring a human into the world. You would think by now the PTB would get over themselves and their idiocy so schools could teach psychology classes to twelve-year-olds when they learn how to breed.

Save yourself and never have children. They cause all sorts of mental illness. At least, they cause all the ones they do not already have.

You have my curiosity piqued. Are you the one who shared M3 with the Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences? I adore their newsletter.

For those who are not in Canada, the OSCMHS is the name for the center which replaced the Ontario Hospital for the Insane.

[Expletive] Cubed

It seems [expletive] was the word this week. It was used as an adjective, noun, verb and adverb in the hatemail. What arrived from Sussex was no different. Apparently, Ron was outraged by Alphabet Soup.  Please peruse his command of the native tongue of England.

you gotta be [expletive]ing [expletive]ing me. who the [expletive] talks like that? this [expletive]ing blog needs a mother [expletive]ing warning…if you hadnt got to grade 14 dont bother to try to read this [expletive]ing [expletive]. nobody [expletive]ing understands this [expletive] and your not empressing [expletive]ing nobody by tryingto use [expletive] words nobody never heard of before. just [expletive] talk [expletive] english like every [expletive]ing body else you stupid [expletive]“

I suppose he told me. Yes, the wicked grin spread wide for this one.

Dearest Ron,

You apparent umbrage to my use of the Queen’s English is duly noted; however, I am compelled to inform you the use of profanity is not supported on M3. Your incessant use of the word [expletive] is obfuscating your points. If you were to choose polysyllabic words of varied length, your letter would carry a meter which is more palatable. As it remains, your tenor and tone leave much to be desired.

Ultimately, such letters fail to convey their intent whilst leaving the reader with the distinct impression your lineage could be traced through the genus asinus.

Perhaps, I could refer you to a tutor who would be versed in the art of writing in your native tongue.

I failed to send the corresponding picture of his alleged parent:

Mom! She is calling me names I don't understand!

~~~~~~~~~~


I sincerely hope your week has been free of hatemail, asses, the truly insane, spankings (unless you like that sort of thing) and other people’s children. From the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, thank you for joining me for the 25th edition of the Friday Follies. Pen me a response to send to Fabian and tell me which response we should send to Trisha. Happy Friday!

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Re-Blogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters
is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy are available
in The Office. 



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49 Comments

  1. Red, sitting in the corner office with aliens mouthing expletives at me through the window whilst I was contemplating advice for Fabian, I had a revelation.
    It occurred to me that his 9-year-old sister (daughter, neighbor, paper-girl) could likely provide more than enough, or all of the capable SEO and keyword assistance he will need for blogging at his expletive level. Some key words she will give him are Spot, Dick, and Jane. The most important key search phrase he will need is “See Spot run”. “:) No wonder I got the raise and the GummyBear machine.
    Raymond Alexander Kukkee recently posted..Special Techniques in Bonsai: Grumpy UpdateMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      ROFL! I am thinking…why would someone want [expletive] as a keyword? Not something I would be searching for often….*sigh* Pass the gummy worms.

      Reply
  2. Great, as always! I have to ask, tho (not to sound like the smarty/dumby from Sussex…) what is uberity? It is not in my dictionary! Maybe I need a German one? I personally love reading blogs that actually teach me something new–whether vocab or theory, or how to devise a better child restraint system for the household. Well done on answers. Also enjoyed your Mother’s Day post quite a bit. I will go back and comment on that when I have a moment. Right now, I’m off to Idiot’s Paradise, SC. Don’t ask, it’s not what we would call a fun thing :( as it involves a great dredging up of the past-is-better-forgotten. Have a great weekend!
    Laura recently posted..Why you might not want a duck (Part II)My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      On your way back through, stop by for a cup of coffee. You need to read Alphabet Soup. Uberity is one of the 26 nouns and verbs I used to describe myself. It is proliferation. You will find a few in there you may not already know. I hope you enjoy the two series for this week. We are continuing the Do Not Buy That series and beginning a new one. Good to see you for a fly-by. Be careful.

      Reply
  3. For tantrum Trisha it has to be option ‘One’ but I must admit to liking all three that you have offered here as alternatives, obviously poor little Trisha has an inferiority complex but she might get over it one day, well maybe? :) lol

    Another wonderful batch of loons to fill up your inbox but at least we get to read all of your thoughts for these miserable bleeding hectors :)

    Have a fun rest of evening Red :)

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      They all serve their purpose of sorts. Good to see you this evening, Andro.

      Reply
      • And it is always good to see you too Red :)
        Have a very nice rest of evening, it is my coffee and pancakes, I mean biscuits time next, and I am certainly looking forwards to it :) ;)

        The cup of coffee and biscuits also :) lol

        Androgoth XXx

        Reply
        • Red

           /  May 19, 2012

          I am just pouring from a new pot as well. Enjoy! I shall see you on my morrow, dark friend ;)

          Reply
  4. Hmmm… Nice to know that, as a paranoid schizophrenic I function better than what crawls out from under their rock to give you a hard time.

    As usual it was hard to choose, but number three squeaked through! :)

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.
    prenin recently posted..Friday – Krazy sleepless night.My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      That vote puts #3 in the lead! Glad I could provide you with proof you are not bats! I think Friday Follies is one of the biggest ego boosts for all of those the world calls crazy. {HUGZ} Red.

      Reply
  5. I’d go with three for Trish.
    Dear Fabian -
    Since you are obviously familiar with things like Keyword Research and Good Blogs, I can only guess that you are a member of the Good Blog selection committee.
    If that is the case, I look forward to receiving, posting and framing my fejection letter, because, to paraphrase Groucho Marx, I wouldn;t join any club that has you as a member.
    El Guapo recently posted..Beatnik Poetry Slam – Infinite MysteryMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      And we have a WINNER!!! ROFL! Oh. My. Word. Literally laughed hard enough to scare the puppy.

      Reply
  6. Those Canadians are really going after you, \. You must be doing everything right.
    Liquorstore Bear recently posted..ENGLISH BAY PALE ALE—Good for frogs, bears, and wildlife in generalMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 20, 2012

      LOL! There seem to be a lot of them these days…are you spreading around my blog? Tehe. The more the merrier! Good to see you, LSB.

      Reply
  7. Honey! I’m not getting your blog deliveries to my new email address. They’re going to my old one. Can we fix this? Blink? (insert expression with bottom lip out in pout expression. LOL!)

    I did look around and maybe I missed it, is there a subscribe thingy around here that I need to do it again with the new email address?

    Oh, I’ll click that thing at the bottom that says subscribe to new posts… is that it down here? LOL :) I’m trying!!!

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 20, 2012

      OK, I think you are fixed ;) If you do not get an email tonight @ 2000 EST, let me know ;) Good to see you!

      Reply
  8. Red, having read through them all, And your responses, I can only say I admire you even more.. And who hasn’t spanked their children when they needed it.. There in is the difference between discipline and physical abuse.. We all of us who love our children know that difference from those who instil fear and beat and neglect their children.
    The big problem today in our society is the ‘DO GOODERS’ the ones who say this and say that and usually do the other.. Discipline is within all forms of natures creatures it’s the way we learn. Discipline has been taken from us, and our schools, by the law through Do-Gooders all meaningful intervention which has just not worked, for along with it we no longer have the respect that went hand in hand along with it.. We were taught respect of our Elders and we were taught if you did wrong you had to pay the consequences.. Today there are no consequences except suspension from school,, and Yippeee who wants to go to school when we can do exactly as they please because no one can touch them because they have the Law on their side.. So they will just go out and do it some more..
    ~have a great Day.. ~Sue
    Sue Dreamwalker recently posted..The Web of Life ~And Death~My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 20, 2012

      I have encountered more than my fair share of “do gooders”. Inevitably, they suffered abuse (real or imagined) and believe there is no difference between corporal punishment and abuse. In fact, there is an ocean of difference. Ironically, the majority of them admit having popped a diaper or three when a baby was in danger to get the point across.

      In today’s society, across the globe, but especially in the US, parents have no respect. Not for themselves, their elders or superiors and certainly none for their children. People look at me strangely when I speak of respecting children, even those do gooders who misunderstand what they are trying to protect.

      I completely agree with the inane practice of suspension. It is always a reward for bad behavior. One I have had to fight hard against in the world of autism, where schools are more likely to send home the child they are unwilling to work with to help overcome the issues. Children eventually learn, when they misbehave, they do not have to attend class. I could go on for days about how many instances we treat the symptom, but leave the disease to ravage.

      Thank you for your insights on this one. {HUGZ} Red.

      Reply
  9. he he! couldn’t decide between 2 and 3. Your responses are quite nice considering how not nice the e-mailers are. I’m sure the letters you WANT to send are much different than the ones you do send. :D Thanks for keeping it expletive free!
    Angela recently posted..Pride and the CrossMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 27, 2012

      To devolve to the point where the responses would be in kind to the hatemailers would require me to shed far too much education and experience. Not to mention over 100 IQ points.

      Reply
  10. Hey how did I miss that little graphic, unless it is one that you have replaced recently, how do you mean which one? :) lol Well I mean the little Spanking Hand made from Oak, I wouldn’t mind putting that to some good use, hey not on you I meant… Never mind what I meant cheeky ;) lol

    Have a funtastic rest of evening Red and keep adding these little gems, I need to call in here a lot more often as I am getting too far behind, which in itself is something that we all do, but for a Space as interesting as yours clearly is then it is a real shame :(

    Be good now or else? ;)

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
    • LOL! Only the best, dahling. Hope you have a wonderful morning. Bikkies or no, it is going to be a fabbo Wednesday. ;)

      Reply

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