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Friday Follies: Good Deeds Edition

You have hatemail

No good deed goes unpunished. For some reason, being a humanitarian is just not quite enough. For the 53rd edition of the Friday Follies, please put all projectiles out of reach for the duration of the post. Put all liquids out of reach. Truly. The stupidest inbox in the blogosphere is dubiously open.

One of the benefits of online life is the ability to be true to one’s character without the repercussions the FAB world routinely delivers in the forms of judgment, ridicule and cruelty. Apparently, my subscription package does not include this particular benefit.

What was the question?

Always with the questions.

Every man with a flicker of interest asks a relevant question: Are you (married, divorced, single)? In the first steps of identity at the beginning of a relationship with the possibility of (friendship, intimacy, animosity). See, we need to know which jokes will be well-received, and most of us have no desire to say something kindly referred to as stupid.

If you missed the Widowed Blog Hop, you may not know I am a widow. It means we have never connected on any social media, you know none of my children, you have never read an online profile I created and you were not listening (or reading). Spammers the world over, particularly in China and India, all know I am a widow.

Besides the American knee-jerk reaction of “I’m sorry” (for which I fill in the blank why someone is sorry because it makes me giggle), I have encountered some behavior heretofore which either did not exist or was adequately hidden from my hearing and sight.

Questions

If you have ever seen the logo above, you know for a fact I am full of questions. I love questions. I love to ask them so I learn something. I love to answer them so I teach something. Despite all the query love, I am a firm believer.

There simply is no cure for stupid.

There simply is no cure for stupid.

Let me list a few of the questions which have followed my truthful answer of No, I am a widow.

  1. How did he die? (which is code for the next question)
  2. Have you already served your time?
  3. Did he deserve it?
  4. Did he die with a smile on his face?
  5. How much life insurance did you get?

(Pauses for initial reaction to subside.)

Answers

A countdown?

Buffalo Nickel

All buffalo chips.

If the very first thing you ask me is about my net worth, we are so incompatible I will have a hard time forming complete sentences dumbed down enough for you to understand. It did take a bit of effort; fortunately, it took no discernible time between the query and the answer. Do you think this conveyed the proper message to Mr. Gold-Digger?

The cheapskate only had a $3M policy. What was I supposed to do with that? My family had to pay their own airfare for the funeral. Just went to show how much he cared.”

This should effectively dispel the myth all whores are women. His I’m sorry really was I’m sorry I could not be there when you cashed the check so I could show you how to be tax-refund-rich.

fourRemember in the opening where I talked about appropriate humor? Mr. Sensitivity is one who clearly misunderstood my finding humor damn-near-everywhere. If your interest is in my sexual prowess or the depth of my depravity, there are far more appropriate ways to discern it than this particular question, like reading my books or flash fiction.

No, he was kinda bummed I would not cowgirl. I have an aversion to catheters, and I am slightly squeamish about necrophilia.”

This creep’s I’m sorry was really I’m sorry you cannot fulfill my fantasy of being the victim of a sexually sadistic serial killer. I may be willing as long as we drop the sexually and serial modifiers.

threeMy position on capital punishment aside, without knowing the circumstances it is impossible to judge if someone deserved death as retribution for their contribution to a life of which no details have been supplied or requested. What do you think I told Sparky?

The jury hung, but when they were polled, ten voted guilty. I think if they had three more days, they would have reached a verdict.”

Aside from what is revealed in Killing Us Softly, my relationship with my late husband is not a subject for a first encounter. Sparky’s I’m sorry really meant I’m sorry I could not meet you in time to convince you to cheat on him so I could toss you out when he died.

two asses

Snitched from a Pakistani porn site

Talk about guilty until proven innocent. Since assumption is as much art as science and considering the number of facts not in evidence to support this question, it took me an extra 2.6 seconds to formulate a response to Mr. Assoomer. I had to quit laughing.

LOL! What do you think Witness Protection is for, silly man?”

Just because I am on an Internet dating site does not mean I am beaming to you from a remote correctional facility. This dill weed’s I’m sorry translates to I’m sorry I was not there to rescue you by hanging the jury. Although it was my first instinct, another instantaneous translation is I’m sorry you have because the smell of conjugal trailers turns my crank.

One Way Sign Right

Away. Quickly away.

Delivered in the proper tone, contextually placed within an earnest conversation, this question is not out of line; however, when it is the opener with no other contact, to exclude such niceties as asking my name, it is inordinately creepy. The answer to Mr. Prior can be construed to indicate all manner of sociopathy and a few psychopathies. From the panorama of choices, my response?

Part of my plea arrangement includes a non-disclosure agreement. The only way you can find out is to read the disposition, which I conveniently keep under the mattress with my other souvenirs. I am such a softy. Love never really has to die if you know what to keep.”

Let’s get interactive. What is the real meaning behind Mr. Prior’s I’m sorry?

A. I’m sorry, but my real interest is in how to get away with it.

B. I’m sorry I only got through Altar Making 106 before I flunked out of Stalker U with Trolling for Victims 202 and Nonchalant Aftermath 219.

C. I’m sorry I cannot post your picture to the Widow’s Calendar, but your profile does not contain any nudity.


Thank you for joining me for the 53rd edition of the Friday Follies brought to you from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. I hope your week has been free of hatemail, inbox Lotharios and serial killers… well, except for me. *giggles*

What does Mr. Prior’s I’m sorry really mean? When did conversation die and why was I not invited to the funeral?

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16 Comments

  1. ALERT: I am an eligible bachelor. I have a respectable income from my lemon drink stand. I have a car that runs fairly well (most of the time). I have $126.83 saved up at the credit union . I love to travel. I went to the mall two years ago. I have an enviable home entertainment system and the black and white TV works well and gets 6 stations! Often I have sheets on the mattress and my windows are covered with aluminum foil which reflects sunlight heat and keeps the room temperature at a comfortable 90 degrees(so who needs curtains, right?). During the summer I use an airplane hanger fan which is not too loud that can blow furniture across the room. In have a marvelous collection of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” empty containers so see, I do not waste money on buying such frivolity as Tupperware. There is a pool next door so I don’t need a washing machine.I am also fairly healthy and have to take only 9 different pills in the morning so I skip breakfast saving more money to enhance my income from my lemon drink stand. I am fairly booked but will be taking new inquiries starting in February.

    Reply
  2. You may not be able to fix stupidity with duct tape, but you can silence it.
    Binky recently posted..Wombie Christmas 2014My Profile

    Reply
  3. And I would never ask how much money you have, however I might inquire about your chocolate reserves.
    Binky recently posted..Wombie Christmas 2014My Profile

    Reply
  4. I know what you mean hun – I’m down with ‘Flu at the moment so apologies for not visiting sooner!

    Right now I am headhunted by a woman at church.

    She’s a sweet person, but married, and I believe in the bonds of holy matrimony! 🙂

    People sure are strange… 🙂

    Love and hugs my friend and God Bless You!!! 🙂

    Prenin.
    Prenin recently posted..Friday – the war goes on.My Profile

    Reply
    • Marriage is in the eye of the beholder. We may have to revisit relationship bonding 101 as a part of this series. LOL! Stay strong, Pren, and get yourself well. The cold is coming here to ring in the new year.

      Reply
  5. I am sorry but with all my prior’s I will have to seek out another who has already been released and isn’t in a halfway house either.

    Gawd, truly it is a zoo out there. I do not know how you contain yourself, retain your sense of humor and manage not to inform people (men) of their own ignorance. I am finding it difficult.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Passing the BatonMy Profile

    Reply
    • LMAO! I love it.

      I think I may have to do a segment on holding it together, although, to be perfectly frank, there have been enough who drew my ire to make me question my position as one bearing how to hold it together.
      xxx

      Reply
  6. I’m only talking to you because you look hot. Im sorry what comes out of your mouth is not as interesting to me as what I want to put in it. I only ask questions to watch your lips move and imagine them…well yea. I’m sorry, but not really. I am just supposed to say that.

    hahahaha what a fun past time. Maybe I should get back into it so we can compare notes… love you I almost peed myself reading this (sorry 😉 )

    ♥ Lizzie

    Reply
  7. just checking something.. ♥

    Reply
  8. I haven’t tried this for many years. The caliber of ‘inmates’ was too much like a migraine to me.

    I’m sorry ended up meaning :
    1. You’re making this way too hard
    2. Forget it
    3. Who do you think you are?

    Barrel of laughs but I soon tired of the whole thing.
    Tess recently posted..On the Yangtze, Day 14, Part 3My Profile

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