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Fuck the Dumb Shit

You are welcome to not come see this post, unless you are prepared for some drama-stopping reality. No, expletives will not be deleted. Let’s get up close and personal. Fix a big cuppa with a shot of whatever is strongest.

Thus far, in the more than two years The M3 Blog has been open, I have only cracked the window into my life enough to let out some of the demons which are cause for rants against inanity, stupidity and a calculated repugnance for sanity. Today is one of those days.

Judgment

Red DwyerI garner a lot of it. Why? I am not a conformist. Under no circumstances do the rules by which others live get accepted into my lifestyle without scrutiny, questioning of motives and a clear path to the beneficial logic on which they are founded.

Often, when others look down their upturned noses at me, they are frustrated by the inability to explain themselves in a form of language I understand. As the majority of my reading audience, all of my social circles and the vast majority of strangers who even know of me can attest, I am extremely intelligent. As a founding member of the Grammar Nazi society, I understand even the most broken forms of English and French.

Pissed Off

In fact, when I am angry enough, I stop speaking English altogether. The average onlooker is confused by such tirades. They make perfect sense to me.

If you cannot understand me in your native tongue, I will speak the one which brings me the most comfort.

What has my dander up these days? Fucking stupid people. Quelle surprise, eh?

Background

My love life has been quite a roller coaster since my husband died. I dated someone for a while. I had sex with someone for a while. Neither of those relationships panned out. One was a compatibility issue. One was a marriage issue. See, the one which wanted to marry me was married to someone else.

Borne of that relationship were some of my favorite nicknames:

Slut

Whore

Home Wrecker

Guess what? I am none of those. The men who actually make it to my bed for more than a nap know I am anything except easy. I take “high maintenance” to an all new high. Bearing in mind how difficult it is to bed me and the scant few who have managed it, I am not a slut.

At no time have I ever got recompense for sex. I have never been a prostitute. I have never been kept. Hell, I have never slept with a man who made more than I did; ergo, I am not a whore.

Now, to my favorite: Home Wrecker. Over the course of time, I have said it sixteen ways to Sunday:

If your marriage was happy, your spouse would stay home.

I have had cheating spouses. Would I have liked for them to be fidelitous? Depends on what our relationship was founded (See non-conformist.); however, if my spouse had stayed home when he was unhappy, I would never have known we were living a lie.

Pragmatism.

1. a pragmatic attitude or policy.

2. an approach that assesses the truth of meaning of theories or beliefs in terms of the success of their practical application.

I am pragmatic about such things. My spouse’s seeking happiness is what I want my spouse to do. In fact, if he is not happy in a relationship with me, I want him to find it with someone else.

Is it easy? No. At some point, I wanted him to find happiness with me. At the point where he begins a relationship with someone else, I have just gotten notice of putting emotional capital in a failed venture.

Is it necessary? Yes. I am not one to throw good money after bad. (If you have not read Marriage is a Credit Card, click the emotional capital link to understand the concept. It opens in a new tab, like every other link in a post.)

Closets and Skeletons

Let’s peek in my closet. Hmm. Neat rows of stilettos. Clothes hung by function and sorted by color. Wait a minute. What is that? Men’s clothes. They are not my husband’s clothing. They belong to another man. He is someone else’s husband.

No, I am not having an affair. No, I did not spin some intricate web of deception to snare him away from his wife. No, I neither designed nor implemented any plan to portray myself as anything other than precisely what I am. No, I did not go on a campaign to denigrate his wife or situation to make life with me seem other than, especially better than, what it was.

So, how is it another woman’s husband came to live with me? Truly boring tale, that. I asked a question. (What?! You?!) I did not discriminate, though. I asked you the same question.

Something funny happened. As he cogitated, he came to a conclusion. He was living a lie. Couple that with what the rumor mongers call a “near death experience” (The soothsayers call it “realizing one’s mortality through aging”.) and what you get is a grown man walking ten miles to appear on my doorstep. Why is this funny? I was asleep when he arrived.

Confused? His wife called me all in a panic. I agreed to get in my truck in the middle of the night to ride around, to I am still not really sure where, to look for him on the road. When I came up empty (of course) and was nearly out of fuel, I went home for the night and crawled into bed. It is what sane people do in the middle of the night, so I am told. He appeared on my doorstep wanting a place to shower and sleep.

What do you think I did? The absolutely unthinkable. I told him he had to call his wife. What do you think happened next? I called her and put him on the telephone with her.

He went home that very morning. Over the course of the next few weeks, he applied his objective lens to what he had been living for the last nearly twenty-three years and discovered he had not ever been honest. He had done what was expected of him and never voiced what was in his heart of hearts. He had stomached anger, disappointment, resentment and emotional abuse and its attendant depression, while putting on the happy face which the people in his life expected of someone who surely had to be happily married to stick it out for the sixteen years he had been married.

One day, the dam broke. The web of flimsy twigs and mud which had held back his ambition, desire for happiness and his true identity shattered under his microscopic inspection of their inadequacy. Rather than be childish and merely disappear, he left under plausible reasoning.

On Tuesday, I needed someone to sit with my children because I needed to take another mother and her autistic child to Columbia for medical intervention. The person I counted on to sit pulled up lame on a Monday night. Later that same night, he wrote a note to his wife saying he was going to babysit my children and stay for a few days while he sorted things out. It was what he had wanted when he had made the ten-mile pilgrimage to my house weeks before.

Aftermath

What has followed that day nearly three months ago has been the most heinous assault on my character. You may recall the buddings of it. Those few of you close to the situation know how much I cannot stand bigotry, judgmental actions and the inane belief all sides of a story involving two people can be articulated by one side, especially the side which screams the loudest. What none of you know is how this is affecting me.

Over the course of my childhood, I was raised in the confines of a church which espoused and lived a non-judgmental attitude and professed the easiest way to avoid sin was not to put oneself in a position where sin was the only way to be happy. In short, it did not condemn members for mistakes. It especially did not condemn those who were young, dumb and full of cum for getting into unevenly-yoked marriages. Instead, it believed if a marriage was ill-fated, the marriage was not one of God regardless of how much any one person injected guilt into it.

The prohibition to religion on The M3 Blog comes as a direct result of the attitude with which I was raised. If one admits a mistake or a sin or a mistake which is a sin with a penitent heart, all is forgiven. Regardless of my personal religious beliefs, I hold this as an axiom to my spirituality with the human race. I personally am in no position to judge; ergo, I will not sit in moralistic judgment of anyone. I will quote the law where applicable. I will stand by my personal beliefs.

Under no circumstances will I threaten anyone’s soul with eternal damnation. Neither will I assume a position where my actions are elevated in my own mind and mouth above anyone else’s as a matter of belief, stupidity notwithstanding.

This means I disavow what religions most profess on this Earth. For me, the Earth is busy enough with its responsibilities and demands to preserve it in a state inheritable for our children to overshadow what concern I may have for the disposition of another’s eternal being’s soul at the time of death. IOW, if making this planet as good or better than I found it for my children and grandchildren is more than I need do to survive as a soul, when I die, I will be happy to stay in the realm of unclaimed souls.

Why is all this religion talk here? The people who condemned me the most were those with whom I chose to go to church for the last few years. The people whom I missed in South Carolina whilst I was in Louisiana are the same people. They called me “ungodly” and “unhealthy” and asked Grant if he realized how it looked (to their pious selves and the public to which they had broadcast their judgment of the situation) for him to live at my home.

Did I mention all of these things were said prior to any sexual contact between him and me? I guessed everyone would assume no one  could be in my house and resist my sexual prowess. After all, everyone ever in my presence has been accused of having sex with me, regardless of gender, level of friendship or even global proximity.

Beyond the religious people, who should be excused for their seemingly ardent prosthelytizing, there are also those who are listening to only one side of the story, namely the one not coming from me. You may as well ask: What did you do?

A. I opened my home to my best friend in South Carolina. The one person who through thick and thin gave a damn about how the events, which include the death of my husband and child, were affecting me. The one person in my locale who when the world was busy “praying for” me was actually DOING something to make my world livable. (See pragmatism.)

B. I did not stand on my porch and say, “I realize you have left home, but it would make others apply their unclean thoughts to us and profess what they would do as our reality to anyone who will listen and judge us.” Instead, I opened the door and made the hide-a-bed out for him without judging him or assuming anything beyond the stated fact he needed some space to decide what he needed to do next.

C. I refused to engage in mordancy. Regardless of whom I may have seen was at fault in his situation, during his rendition of his perspective I did not judge anyone for their actions. Instead, I asked him his opinion of the situation and what his quantitative action to it would be.

In the end, I stayed above the drama. I had no interest in steering his opinion in one direction or the other. I call it being a friend. When he asked my opinion, opposite what our relationship often embodied, I told him it was irrelevant. Until he said unequivocally he wanted it, I withheld it. When I gave it, he did not accept it as law, at my request. Instead, he asked questions until he could understand my perspective. This is socially called “adult conversation”. In American religious circles it is called “brainwashing” because it endorses cognitive thought. In bigoted southern American circles it is called “making a man lose everything he has”.

Let’s be frank, which occasionally is a name to which I answer.

I did nothing to persuade any man or woman to leave their spouse. All I have ever done is ask people how they live in their situations. In select cases, including the situations with the men with whom my relationships did not pan out, those questions led to reflection which revealed what I saw (even in the cases where I did not reveal my observations) was indeed the reality in which they had been living.

For all the people who call me a dream weaver, more often I am a reality bringer. I pull the curtain back on the wizard and reveal the smoke and mirrors for what they are. To some, this is bullying. I threaten what they hold dear. To some, this is disillusionment. I show the truth as diametrically opposed to what they have been (convinced, brainwashed, coerced) to believe is the truth. To a few, this is enlightening. After (hours, days, years), they are seeing the world as everyone else sees it.

Hypothetical

A man comes to you with ardent proclamations of how his wife has treated him as a stranger in his home, denied him the erotic exhortations of marriage and failed to provide an equitable partnership. When asked what your determinations are, do you unequivocally uphold his perspective or do you project reality onto a screen he recognizes? Do you temper your view with your own tenets for relationships which may not apply to his? Do you merely take your friend in your arms and commiserate the hurt through which they traverse without imposing your position on them knowing the heartache it will cause if your opinion is different than the one to which their heart has led them?

Or are you like me and forgive where no one else is willing, allow for self-discovery and allow for decisions free of tempering to occur to which you subsequently do not cast judgment?

Post Script

Although being raised Christian, I see many maladaptive behaviors a majority of the Christians in my life practice. Although Christ was active in pointing out sin, he was equally supportive of admission, penitence and redemption. Those of which I have encountered, especially in recent times, are more interested in pointing out the “failures” of others to exhibit their own perceived proficiency in piety. Sadly, they confuse piety with Christ-like behavior. They have failed to recognize Christ’s repugnance with religion in favor of a relationship with his father.

Although this post concerns itself with religious aspects of the Christian faith, those tenets (with or without your direct knowledge) do not temper the underlying sociological and philosophical questions:

Is it wrong to turn out a friend because others will assume sexual characteristics to your relationship even without a factual base? Should you turn away someone who is your best friend merely on the sake of gender? Why are drama queens/kings unwilling to accept they are proportionately responsible in the break up of relationships, especially if the highest contributing factor is an inability to convey facts to their proposed “soul mate”?


Please choose to answer any of the questions above. Please do not consider any of them an invitation to espouse your particular brand of religious beliefs. The topic is about friendship and consoling the hurt of someone who has chosen to support you in hurts which they could otherwise not conceive.

PS I am very averse in the ways of Christianity. If your only comment is the view of the Christian or other religious church, please refrain. This post is not condemning of any particular religion, but wholesale condemns piety, self-righteousness, bigotry and the overarching belief one’s tenets are the only ones available and redeemable.

#Hashtags: #Christianity #judgment #friendship

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59 Comments

  1. Red,

    Well, you’ve been busy, haven’t you? I know, I know, you’re always busy; one of the qualities about you I admire is your energy…

    Any who, as a person who is strictly non-religious in their approach to reality, (see any number of my blog entries over the last 3 years…), as well as possessing an extremely intelligent mind, I can only answer your queries like this…

    No. No. Not at all for either of the first two…

    Lastly, the drama queens/kings, in my opinion, are all suffering from the same delusional system (sorry, but that’s what I consider Christianity to be…). Their opinions on anything at all are perverted from the outset by their own lack of inner strength, as well as being unable to form a lasting relationship BECAUSE of those beliefs.

    I’ve found this to be common among the mundanes, and feel very glad not to have ever fallen into the morass of moral confusion that inhabits the minds of the average Christian (which I’m sure you are not…).

    You helped a friend, (the Christian thing to do, I might point out….), and no matter what any foolish, ignorant Mrs. Grundy’s may think about it, no other judgment is required, or, for that matter, called for… Any judgment beyond that fact of help is moot, in my mind… Sadly, it is the habit of the Mrs. Grundy’s of the world to concern themselves with everyone’s morality but their own, and to my mind, their talk is just noise, without an idea or actual thought to be found….

    That’s my take on all of it… It sounds to me that you’ve made your life the way you want it to be, and for that, kudos, from one polymath to another…. (EVERYTHING is interesting, n’est pas? Plus, excellence is its own reward….)

    Oh, and though I challenge you with confidence to find any grammar errors, in English, I am compelled to note my French is generally confined to the kitchen; thus, I’m not vouching for the above expression, though I THINK it’s correctly applied…

    BTW, I use the three dots, obviously, to indicate a pause that connects ideas. It’s a bad habit, but one that works for me… I know they’re considered poor punctuation, but, I think they add more than they detract, don’t you?… 🙂

    (Oh, and sorry for all the parenthetical comments…. they just sort of grow on me when I get going….)

    My own fillips aside, I think you did what was ethical, and moral, according to the same rules of friendship that I espouse…. I hope the issues resolve themselves without any further build-up of angst on your part…. Take care, sister, and Blessed Be….
    gigoid recently posted..Seduced by the smell of onions….My Profile

    Reply
    • You are such a pearl, Ned. 😉 Indeed, excellence is its own reward. It fuels the psyche and the imagination to reach beyond the status quo to the upper echelons of creation.

      At this juncture, the angst is to a minimum. If I were capable of pity, I do not deem them worthy.

      And you did use the phrase appropriately. 🙂 Bright Blessings, Ned. xxx

      Reply
  2. Yes. No. If there were a concrete answer to that, A whole bunch of therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and clergy would be a lot more effective in their jobs.

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this ass-hattery. Almost as sorry as I am for those who think whatever they are saying is properly done under cover of any religion.
    Sadly, while I know you’ll be alright, they’ll probably be pezheads for a long time.

    Rock on, Red, and hopefully, at least someone aware of this mess is inspired by the lessons of your selflessness and friendship.
    El Guapo recently posted..Trifecta: The first time I saw…My Profile

    Reply
    • Thank you, Guap. I have to wonder though… If there were a concrete answer, would it be the death knell for the therapy industry? Certain social media would see a rapid decline. *wicked grins* I appreciate your support. xxx

      Reply
  3. “Is it wrong to turn out a friend because others will assume sexual characteristics to your relationship even without a factual base?”

    Damn right it is. But not because of the assumptions of the small minds of the world. Their opinions are worth less than a bag of shit.

    “Should you turn away someone who is your best friend merely on the sake of gender?”

    Hell no! Friends are friends regardless of gender.

    “Why are drama queens/kings unwilling to accept they are proportionately responsible in the break up of relationships, especially if the highest contributing factor is an inability to convey facts to their proposed “soul mate”?”

    Because the drama queens/kings go through their myopic little lives assuming that it’s all about them. It’s not.

    Anybody ever tell you your neighborhood sucks Red? All those rocks with serpents slithering about, forked tongues flicking in and out fangs bared ready to strike, but wait. They drip poison from those fangs but their poison doesn’t work on you and that pisses them off. So they hiss and slither all the more, never understanding the value of true friendship and love.

    Fuck ’em — they don’t count. Scary smart attractive women who give a shit about others scare the crap out of them. Never give in (I know you won’t but I had to say it).
    John McDevitt recently posted..GenerationsMy Profile

    Reply
    • You are correct, my fine sir. In all the years you have known me, my forehead has never gotten flat. I shan’t let it today either. So very good to see you, and I am ready for the next page. xxx

      Reply
  4. Fuck the Dumb Shit.
    And double fuck the dumb asses.
    People piss me off for similar reasons in my life right now….not that we tell the same story…but they dance around the same tree.

    You know you are right. Don’t let the assholes get you down.

    Love you

    <3
    Candy recently posted..Because I Guess It’s TimeMy Profile

    Reply
    • I love you, too. I think it is time to tie a ribbon around the tree… to another tree… like a clothesline. *grins* xxx

      Reply
  5. Screw them! 🙁

    If your business is so interesting why weren’t they there for you when YOU needed them???

    You did the right thing hun and should be praised as a decent human being, not hauled over the coals by ‘people’ (I won’t swear) who would not do the same despite calling themselves Christians!!!

    My guess is that their lives are so dull they resort to fantasy in order to find a little excitement… 🙁

    I’ve helped many and paid a terrible price so I know that this is the thin end of the wedge… 🙁

    Be strong sweetheart – you are better than them!!!

    Love and huge hugs!

    Prenin.
    prenin recently posted..Wednesday – Quiet day.My Profile

    Reply
    • Thank you, Ian. I think they should pay me royalties for using my life to entertain them. Won’t that be grand? {HUGZ}

      Reply
  6. Is it wrong to turn out a friend because others will assume sexual characteristics to your relationship even without a factual base?

    A: More importantly, would it be wrong to worry about what others think, or help our friend?

    Should you turn away someone who is your best friend merely on the sake of gender?

    A: Should one turn away a friend … see question one, it’s all relatable.

    Why are drama queens/kings unwilling to accept they are proportionately responsible in the break up of relationships, especially if the highest contributing factor is an inability to convey facts to their proposed “soul mate”?

    A: Because people are self serving, me too. I want what I want, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Albeit, others may think, what right do you have to impose or suggest, ask for what you want? Isn’t that selfish? No. Have a standard, know who we are, live by that standard. Primarily, most get upset, because they don’t want “this thing” to happen to them. I could, quite literally, get into the mindset of some where their insecurities muddy their thinking, i.e., by putting their insecurities/fears onto someone else versus working on themselves, however that would be a massively long response.

    For myself, if a person wants to discuss where they find themselves, that’s fine. As you know, humans all over aren’t happy in their current relationships and they stay because of this “standard” (as you’ve mentioned) due to what other people will think, how they’ve been raised, etc., I wouldn’t be able to live the lie myself of being with a person, out of habit, what someone may think, etc. People all over are filling voids and lying to themselves, every day. I see it all the time, in different degrees. And guess what? After what we/you/they have done, they’ll move on to someone else, some other thing and forget all about you, so in the end … people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

    I think this song pretty much nails it.

    Reply
    • I thought it would say what song it was. Craaap! It’s AC/DC’s Dirty Laundry. 🙂

      Reply
    • The first question is the one which irks me the most. How in Hades can anyone profess love for their fellow man and quiver in fear others may believe something which is A. none of their business; B. a lie; C. does not affect them.

      I know it is all projection. Plain and simple.

      Perfect song, Sue. <3 xxx

      Reply
      • Normally I would answer with a video of Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory to that question. But since it seems I either cannot find any or they have taken it down I will just answer with “Because they’re stuuuuuPID!”.

        When I was a kid I used to have to listen to my fellow students in elementary harp on me (as well as from their parents) about how the two bands on the shirts my parents allowed me to wear were evil and satanic. Their parents would literally tell me to my face (because they weren’t bold enough to do it in front of my mom if she was around) that the letters of the bands meant something evil and satanic as well.

        An ex-friend of my sister and I made the mistake of telling me to my face when we were younger that my sister dressed like a “slut”.

        I think dumb people need to gossip to make themselves feel better as well as using it as a base to think or say “See! See how much better I am than her! See how much more awesomer (Yes, I know it isn’t a real word) I am compared to them and their heathen kids!”. Which is completely funny when their kids are busted for things like; drunk driving, drugs, stealing of any kind, etc. They are such saints compared to anyone else, but if they manage to let a flaw slip out here or there no one is supposed to think or comment on it.

        Sorry for going on so long.

        Here! I think this video will suffice in place for the Dexter’s Lab “stupid” comment I wanted to use. Hope you dig.

        http://youtu.be/A7rtCqr1PXQ

        Reply
      • Sue T.

         /  January 17, 2014

        lol Your response is all rhetorical isn’t it. 🙂

        We don’t like to be judged, although judging is not necessarily a bad thing. We do it all the time in various degrees.

        I have knee jerk reactions to things at time, based on personal experiences or things I wouldn’t evar want to go through again. That post I did on here, (the guest one) about being over protective and all that, is relative as well.

        I’d have to read it again though. I’ll tell you what I know, I think I said it already, people will move onto the next thing and forget all about you and what you’re doing soon enough.

        As an aside, I’ve starting thinking (and will write about) the way people fill in the blanks on many things w/o more information. That’s common as well and all speculation at best. More importantly, I’ve also thought about the very real aspect as to whether or not certain life experiences are and/or need be part of disclosure to another person.

        It depends, I’m sure on the topic.

        Reply
        • Sue T.

           /  January 17, 2014

          P.S. the song is “not” dirty deeds, done dirt cheap by the way, it’s “Dirty Laundry”. By AC/DC… I think henley did to it too though as Heteric said.

          Reply
  7. I agree with Prenin.

    Regardless if it is the Christian thing or not for you to help someone out. You helped out a friend. So what business is it of anyone to talk behind your back or say anything, let alone speculate?

    Don’t let the bullshit these people create affect you. You offered an open door and an open ear. Not a sign on your forehead that reads “Please trample here! Assholes are completely welcome!”.

    Reply
    • I believe I would find the creator of such a sign and work on my ability to origami the human body into a swan. Glad to see you, M. xxx

      Reply
  8. Hi Red, I am not great on answering questions. I always wander off topic. And usually sound like a dufus. So I thought I’d just say ‘hey’ . With a smile. And an encouraging word. The encouraging word(s) …. someone sure appreciates you and the kindness and friendship you have shown. What you’ve done matters greatly to someone who needed you. That’s what counts. <3

    Reply
    • Thank you, Colleen. I do know my offer of friendship was then and is now appreciated. <3 xxx

      Reply
  9. Well said..

    Red, in my own world amid the so called spiritual beings, I have found them lacking in spirituality as their pious narrow views constrict their views as they open wide their mouths..
    You know I love you, and I feel so saddened that you are having to voice your actions to clarify your name.. Its a great shame that people feel the need to throw stones when they themselves live in glass houses..

    Sending you my thoughts and well wishes Red.. with much love to you ..
    Sue Dreamwalker recently posted..Connections Via the MatrixMy Profile

    Reply
    • Dear Sue, I love you. You know I feel the sadness for shame as well. There is a large population who cannot see the world around them for what it is because their myopic view is clouded by others’ jaded words of disinformation. It still must be bared that others see the parallels in their own lives, know they are not alone and feel the warmth of the light on their souls. Bright blessings, Sue. Much love and light <3

      Reply
  10. I love you, you crazy-ass Heathen Honey.
    An amazing from the heart piece Red. Adored it and adore you.
    Fuck ’em. Forgiveness is a key to living happy in your skin.

    Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I do
    xo

    p.s. did I mention that this is now a favorite of many on your blog. Honest, painful to write (I’m sure) and also suspect cathartic.
    Well, I did mention it between the lines.

    Reply
    • I am fairly certain someone put that song on my playlist. <3 I love you, too. We so must talk soonly.

      This was not as painful as it was anger-overflowing. Cathartic? Absolutely. You know every once in a while we need to purge the overwhelming influx of stupidity. Muah! xxx

      Reply

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