A Meat Alternative


In a day which has been riddled with snark both on M3 and IRL, and a nap instead of more snark, I decided I may as well end the day with some humorous snark from the spam net. The irony is entirely too rich for me to merely let the detestable little bugs swirl down the pipe without at least an honorable mention.

Spam: The Other White Meat

The majority of what gets caught in the spam filter is nonsensical random letters and symbols with a link to a .org where org stands for self-induced orgasm. There are the few in eastern European languages which are 300-500 words each, which I never translate. Occasionally, there are some who give me a chuckle, if not for their content, merely for the posts upon which they latch.

5. And Then There Were None.

Just keep typing...

In another amazing case of SEO not working in the way all of those $150/hour SEO experts claim, this post was singled out as great place to hang out to meet singles. The Horny Hot spam bots attacked this post, apparently in hopes the Quaint you kicked to the curb would be looking to hook up in consolation for being dumped. No, these are not the funny ones.

With a show of hands, how many of you know what ETS is?

  • Emissions Trading Scheme
  • Evangelical Theological Society
  • Episodic Tremor and Slip

While those are all good answers, the actual ETS assigned to the message was Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy. I know you are all wanting to rush out and get this controversial, dangerous and contested surgery. Should I go ahead and post a link here for you? Of course, we all know sweaty palms are the number one reason to dump a Quaint.

4. Tree Pirates

Hoist the Jolly Roger!

In one of the only posts on M3 which does not require a minimum age of 18 or the use of a thesaurus, Tree Pirates is a fun look at climbing trees. I would not have been surprised to find spam bots for tree surgeons, gardeners, theme parks or even the desperadoes who think sex in a tree is fun. Alas, I apparently am spam SEO ignorant.

The bot which attached itself to the only child post on the entire blog: Credit Bureau Telephone Numbers. What was I thinking? Of course the only pirates are the identity thieves who rack up debt in your name. That should prove to you beyond a shadow of doubt: Never use your credit card in a tree house.

3. Midnight Mantra

Given the images of and the references to nature and wildlife, I would have understood a repeat spamming by the dog walkers of Africa. I would even have believed the PETA sign toting bots spewing like-meat. Even the sleep aid spiders would have been tangentially plausible.

Try as I might, I have no earthly idea or hallucinogenic insight into how this bot chose this post: Cocaine treatment center. Okay, okay. I admit it. The powder on the wolf’s fur was not snow…at least not the frozen kind.

2. Nurdles: It’s what’s for breakfast.

There is so much spam, it is falling out.

The bots have criticized M3 for spelling, lack of photographs, typos, font and color choices, missing content, lackluster coverage of topics, lack of humor, insensitivity and fear-mongering. Unless these show up in my inbox, I completely ignore them. Among the near dozen I tossed in the iggy bin from this post, criticizing bots and the incessant horn dogs were the majority.

The minority was one. A single, SEO expertly guided bot who came to nest in the post about tiny plastic pellets. Was it from an environmental non-profit? Maybe it was an oceanic society? Oh, I know…it was a commercial clean up outfit? To be precise, no.

The lone bot was from real estate company who is selling prime properties near my destination. Since I am certain all of the M3 audience wants to own their own stake in the Pacific gyre, run, don’t walk to your email client to request the email address for the cutting edge realty company who can bring you home on garbage in the middle of the ocean.

1.  A Dozen Ways to Save $5 by Noon

Loads of bots from questionably quality-controlled content mills spam the saving money posts scattered around M3. For some strange SEO reason, plumbers, contractors, electricians and sheet rockers like the keywords associated with these posts.

Void where prohibited.

This particular post was no different until a new bot came crawling into town: Hotsy Escort Service. Apparently, M3 has been stepped up from a mere porn site. Of all the things I never would have dreamed to open a Val-Pak to find…a coupon for a hooker. Truly, the economy is bad everywhere.

Making an Appointment

Get out.

It has become apparent the industry in which I need to invest is the physical therapy and massage industry. Oh, get your head out of the gutter. Therapeutic massage, not that kind. Well, that kind is therapeutic, but in a completely different kind of one-handed way.

I am going to make an appointment with the sadist physical therapist. My neck is killing me from shaking my head. Right after that, I am going to cash in my door prize from this week’s conference for an hour’s worth of deep tissue massage. It will have to do until I can afford my very own ocean front property on the floating garbage island.


I hope you have enjoyed a spam-free week and the triple dose of snark this weekend on M3. 

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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  1. Yes I enjoy calling in here Red as you always offer lots of interesting topics, useful ideas and a jovial wickedness that keeps me out of mischief, well most of the time anyway 🙂

    Those Bots seem to pick on your Space rather a lot but never mind, they too offer up a fangtastic read so I for one do not mind their interaction…

    Have a wicked rest of evening Red 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

  2. We had one knight who was quite the snark.

    “In the midst of the word he was trying to say
    In the midst of his laughter and glee
    He had softly and suddenly vanished away
    For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.” (Carroll)

    Can’t say I blame him. His father named him Sue. Imagine! Sir Sue?? He always wore black armor swearing (we couldn’t countenance swearing so we banned him from our midst) he would kill his father and anybody who laughed at his name.”My name is Sue, How do you do, you’re gonna die.” Last we saw him, he was at the crossroads hobbling around on his stumps screaming obscenities at passersby. Evidently he challenged the wrong knight to personal combat.

    I couldn’t resist Red. You might recognize the above from a reply sent to Jon at H when we were accused of being snarky with the TRASH section in Stews Brews. LOL

    • ROFL! I do remember that! Blah Blah! We were having too good a time, and he was jealous. I may have to have you do a guest feature with some of the gems from Stews Brews.

      That was some amazingly creative stuff.

  3. Well, fortunately they can find you through the google and be very insighted thusfully as to the meaningness of your posts.

  4. I’m lucky – all my spam comes from telephone calls from people doing surveys, which means that they are trying to sell you something!

    I just had an Indian guy on a very bad line trying to sell me services from utilities to laser eye surgery and when I put the phone down he called me back, so I gave him spurious address details – that should keep the spam out of my letter box!!! 🙂

    Love and hugs!


    • Oh, that is rich! I am very glad to be on the no-call registry which prevents the majority of those calls for me.

      And I only go to the letter box when the post lady brings me mail to the door. She does it when the box is completely full…I simply despise mail.


  5. Red, congratulations, now that you have enough experience identifying higher forms of literature, you shall be able to get a job selling spam, and make $7.95 a day too. Moving to India is optional. “:)

  6. I used to have another blog which I took down a couple of months ago because I was getting 300-500 spam messages every day. Anything mentioned in any of the posts got tagged and things I didn’t mention (porn) too. Yes, there was all that cool real estate (a lot in Russia), flooring, shoes, porn, vacations, people complaining about my spelling, complaining about my posts ad nauseam.

    I couldn’t handle it anymore and just closed up shop. Two blogs were getting pretty hard to keep up with anyway. Have a spam-free day!

    • I doubt my midday post will allow me no spam…Frankly, I so infrequently go to the spam folder. I go only when I have a new follower…to be sure Akismet has not deemed their comments garbage. Other than that, I occasionally go to satisfy my virus under a slide curiosity.

      Hope you are having a terrific day! Did you go pick up your award??

  7. I sincerely hope you did not shove spam into your computer just to get that picture lol. Gotta love it.

  8. Not only are you funny, but clever. clever. clever. You are my sister in misspell. It seems that I too, have been blamed of many grammatical errors. What do they expect….English is my first language?

    • LOL! No, they expect all of us to use Google Translate!! Funny, when it translates English to English, it does not correct the spelling!!!

  9. Hehe your wit is great Red. For some reason I’m not much for eating meat out of a can…

    • The way I look at it…If my dog will look up from the bowl like the RCA Victor dog, it is not something which should be in my food chain.

  10. I don’t know why they bother. Surely they should realise that all they do is annoy the daylights out of people.

    The best one I ever had was on a previous blog before I started doing comics. I used to do a Friday post that was “Toilet Of The Week” where I would do a review with photos (yes I was a creepy old guy who took photos in public toilets) of public toilets, hotel toilets & anywhere else I found an interesting one.

    There was one public toilet I frequented once with an automatic door that closed as I walked in & the stench someone had left in there was unbelievably eye-watering. It was so bad you could taste it. Anyway the door had to go through some automated locking process before it could be opened again. I therefore delved into a very descriptive description of my gaggingly gross experience through what seemed like an eternity for the stupid door to open..

    A spammer left a comment saying “I appreciate this post. It was just what I needed”
    He must’ve been constipated or something.


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