A Meat Alternative

In a day which has been riddled with snark both on M3 and IRL, and a nap instead of more snark, I decided I may as well end the day with some humorous snark from the spam net. The irony is entirely too rich for me to merely let the detestable little bugs swirl down the pipe without at least an honorable mention.

Spam: The Other White Meat

The majority of what gets caught in the spam filter is nonsensical random letters and symbols with a link to a .org where org stands for self-induced orgasm. There are the few in eastern European languages which are 300-500 words each, which I never translate. Occasionally, there are some who give me a chuckle, if not for their content, merely for the posts upon which they latch.

5. And Then There Were None.

Just keep typing...

In another amazing case of SEO not working in the way all of those $150/hour SEO experts claim, this post was singled out as great place to hang out to meet singles. The Horny Hot spam bots attacked this post, apparently in hopes the Quaint you kicked to the curb would be looking to hook up in consolation for being dumped. No, these are not the funny ones.

With a show of hands, how many of you know what ETS is?

  • Emissions Trading Scheme
  • Evangelical Theological Society
  • Episodic Tremor and Slip

While those are all good answers, the actual ETS assigned to the message was Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy. I know you are all wanting to rush out and get this controversial, dangerous and contested surgery. Should I go ahead and post a link here for you? Of course, we all know sweaty palms are the number one reason to dump a Quaint.

4. Tree Pirates

Hoist the Jolly Roger!

In one of the only posts on M3 which does not require a minimum age of 18 or the use of a thesaurus, Tree Pirates is a fun look at climbing trees. I would not have been surprised to find spam bots for tree surgeons, gardeners, theme parks or even the desperadoes who think sex in a tree is fun. Alas, I apparently am spam SEO ignorant.

The bot which attached itself to the only child post on the entire blog: Credit Bureau Telephone Numbers. What was I thinking? Of course the only pirates are the identity thieves who rack up debt in your name. That should prove to you beyond a shadow of doubt: Never use your credit card in a tree house.

3. Midnight Mantra

Given the images of and the references to nature and wildlife, I would have understood a repeat spamming by the dog walkers of Africa. I would even have believed the PETA sign toting bots spewing like-meat. Even the sleep aid spiders would have been tangentially plausible.

Try as I might, I have no earthly idea or hallucinogenic insight into how this bot chose this post: Cocaine treatment center. Okay, okay. I admit it. The powder on the wolf’s fur was not snow…at least not the frozen kind.

2. Nurdles: It’s what’s for breakfast.

There is so much spam, it is falling out.

The bots have criticized M3 for spelling, lack of photographs, typos, font and color choices, missing content, lackluster coverage of topics, lack of humor, insensitivity and fear-mongering. Unless these show up in my inbox, I completely ignore them. Among the near dozen I tossed in the iggy bin from this post, criticizing bots and the incessant horn dogs were the majority.

The minority was one. A single, SEO expertly guided bot who came to nest in the post about tiny plastic pellets. Was it from an environmental non-profit? Maybe it was an oceanic society? Oh, I know…it was a commercial clean up outfit? To be precise, no.

The lone bot was from real estate company who is selling prime properties near my destination. Since I am certain all of the M3 audience wants to own their own stake in the Pacific gyre, run, don’t walk to your email client to request the email address for the cutting edge realty company who can bring you home on garbage in the middle of the ocean.

1.  A Dozen Ways to Save $5 by Noon

Loads of bots from questionably quality-controlled content mills spam the saving money posts scattered around M3. For some strange SEO reason, plumbers, contractors, electricians and sheet rockers like the keywords associated with these posts.

Void where prohibited.

This particular post was no different until a new bot came crawling into town: Hotsy Escort Service. Apparently, M3 has been stepped up from a mere porn site. Of all the things I never would have dreamed to open a Val-Pak to find…a coupon for a hooker. Truly, the economy is bad everywhere.

Making an Appointment

Get out.

It has become apparent the industry in which I need to invest is the physical therapy and massage industry. Oh, get your head out of the gutter. Therapeutic massage, not that kind. Well, that kind is therapeutic, but in a completely different kind of one-handed way.

I am going to make an appointment with the sadist physical therapist. My neck is killing me from shaking my head. Right after that, I am going to cash in my door prize from this week’s conference for an hour’s worth of deep tissue massage. It will have to do until I can afford my very own ocean front property on the floating garbage island.


I hope you have enjoyed a spam-free week and the triple dose of snark this weekend on M3. 

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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  1. Too funny, I just looked at my own spam tonight for the first time in ages. “Horny” likes my site a lot.

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